new blog address

So for some reason the formatting and account information on this blog is messed up.I can't stop following stuff I don't like and can't change my settings.  Don't know why and I'm not a tech person to figure it out. So I started a new blog!
address is

http://manderlynn.blogspot.com/

why I don't need an Ipad

I have a 5 year old Acer laptop that I bought for $399.00 in 2006. Two years ago I had a friend do a clean reinstall to get some of the junk that was clogging up my computer.I also purchased extra RAM for about 30 dollars and have 2Gs. I only have 16G worth of storage but I purchased an external hard drive for 60 bucks. I maintain my computer by running CC Cleaner and a defrag program at least once a month.

I can watch videos, check email, shop online,download mp3's, etc etc etc etc. I don't have a camera on my laptop but have a digital camera if I want to take pictures or videos.

I don't play games so any apps like that aren't necessary. I do read but have a $10 per month subscription to an online book rental company where I get 4 books at at time, once I return them I get 4 back within a week. I also have  a kindle that was given to me as a gift, because that is something else I would never buy (still appreciate it as a very thoughtful gift though and do use it).
No I cannot bring this laptop with me wherever I go,  as it is inconvenient to do so. But I don't feel like I must have instant access to entertainment and information at all times. I'm fine with a book, a little music, or, gasp! my own thoughts. 
I don't understand why someone would need a laptop, a smartphone, and an ipad. Seems a little excessive to me. And it's not like we're supporting American jobs by buying these things because they are made in China.  Although my laptop was probably made in China, so I'm a hypocrite. Are any electronics made in the U.S.? Don't want to get on a Apple rant here, but does Apple do community outreach and charity work? At least Bill Gates is doing a lot of good with his billions of dollars.

I probably sound like an old lady right now

I hope karma doesn't bite me in the ass and my laptop breaks and I end up having to buy a new one.

Babies babies and more babies

So I really don't want to sound like I'm unappreciatvie of my friends or that I'm not happy for them in anyway, but since no one really reads this anyway I probably won't offend anyone.

The thing is, I'm am really sick of hearing about babies, and anything and everything to do with them.

Part of it is that the majority of my friends either have babies or are pregnant right now, so I'm now left out of a HUGE part of their lives and experiences. Since you can really have no idea what it's like to have children unless you do, I have nothing to contribute or add to the conversation on this experience. And since having a child alters your life experience in every way, and that the experience becomes central to everything you do, it is an experience that my girlfriends of course are going to mainly talk about when we catch up. So I can't offer any understanding or advice for them in their lives anymore, or come back with any stories about my experiences, because I don't have them.

Then there's the fact that the media is completely obsessed with famous women/celebrities/media whores being pregnant and that's virtually the only image or story or headline you see about famous women anymore. It sometimes seems like that's the only experience that is important for women anymore, at least according to the media. I find that kind of sad...but I also don't want to in any way diminish what mothers do because it's an important role for women and a role that is very difficult.

And of course being left out or feeling like you're not part of the "club" of new mommies also bothers me because I can't complain about my life being busy or hard, or act like anything I do is all that important because it will never be compared to having a baby. Add that to the fact that for the past decade I have watched (for the most part, happily) and participated in most of my girlfriends' "milestone" moments of happiness...achievements in school, and weddings and having babies. I haven't got any milestones of my own, and selfishly I sometimes think, "when's it my turn? I've never had great or exciting news to share with anyone. No one has ever come to any celebration or event in honor of me."  And well, thoughts like that just sound so pathetic and ungrateful....but they're there.

I've talked to a couple of friends and my mother about my negative feelings attached with anything and everything baby, and they're main response is, why don't you change it? Have a baby. Like it's that simple. I didn't choose not to have kids. My life circumstances have resulted in me not having them.  And while it may be simple for some women to go out and hookup with someone or get  into to a relationship with someone and not worry about or even think/plan about using protection or controlling that part of their lives, I'm not that girl.

So I really don't know what to do. There's really nothing I can do. I'm just not part of the club. I must find some other aspect of my female identity to feel positive and accomplished about instead of the whole mom thing. Because that ain't happening. Not now, and maybe not ever.

Snowstorm

Oh the weather outside is weather.
Remember that classic movie line? Well people need to start taking it more seriously. Guess what? It's going to snow in the winter. WHO CARES? Everywhere I have lived, every time even small amount of snow is predicted, people start acting like it's 2012 and Armageddon's happening in the morning. You think after YEARS and YEARS of snowfall during the wintertime, people would be fairly proficient in dealing with this phenomenon. But no, every year when it snows you've got people acting like it's the first time anything like this has ever happened.  You've got people crowding the grocery stores and hardware stores, which leads me to ask:  has anyone in this country outside of Alaska been snowed in their houses for more than a few days, to warrant stocking up on extra supplies?  And I'm sorry, but if those poor theater workers and restaurant employees can get to work and  face crowds of people bored out of their minds after being stuck inside on a snow day,  then you probably could have gone to work, too. 


PS: The TV news is dumb.

TSA measures

So many people out there are outraged at the new TSA security procedures. I can't say I agree with the new measures completely, but not for the reasons that most of the whiners and haters portrayed on the news hate them. My question would be: are these measures the most effective at preventing terrorist acts on planes? Are there better methods? But until we get these answers, I'm okay with the body scanners.  I don't feel violated by them. I'm not looking foward to them, mind you. And I am sad that in order to fly we have to be subjected to all of this stuff.

But I'd like to add, to the overweight, 40-something lady who was bitching about the body scanners on the news, the who said "the only people who get to see me naked are my husband and my doctor." Let me tell you, lady, that I highly doubt any TSA agent is getting turned on by the sight our your headless, lumpy, saggy image. And your husband and doctor may GET to see you naked, but honestly, in both instances, I doubt it's by choice.  I'm really not as concerned with TSA agents inappropriately reacting to peoples' body scans. Seriously, people need to quit flattering themselves. As far as the pat downs are concerned,  most people get pat downs to get into clubs and  concerts and big public events, and no one has expressed outrage over this. I've never heard anyone say, "Those goddammed bouncers at the club were violating my rights!" or "How dare the security guards at the Cowboys game search me! My rights are violated!!"

A lot of the arguments against body scanners and pat downs remind me of arguments about why people don't want gays out in the military or why they try and argue about why they don't like gays in their vicinity. Most of the reasons are: "I'm straight and don't need to be ogled or hit on by gays. It makes me uncomfortable."
Quite flattering yourself again there, hoss. You really think a gay dude wants you? Doubtful. Even if you are hot stuff, which in most cases, I seriously doubt (quick aside, has anyone else noticed that there a very few attractive men in comparison to attractive women out there? Most women could be described as pretty, with a few on either side of the spectrum, but most guys are pretty much average..anywhoo), the fact that you are so homophobic is probably a huge turnoff to them...oh and the fact that you're STRAIGHT!

If you really are concerned that TSA agents have endless boners and are basically paid molesters, then by all means don't fly. The effectiveness of these new measures certainly need to be tested and additional methods and means of preventing terrorists getting onto planes need to be explored. But acting as if these measures are sexual or "dirty" in any way is just childish. It also proves that many of us tend to sexualize nudity (or in this case, implied nudity) and touching, which to me, implies unhealthy and shameful conceptions of our own body images.
By all means, go ahead and bitch about it. That's something our country just loves to do. All I'm asking is to bitch about these measures for less silly reasons.

horrible thoughts I should just keep to myself but feel compelled to share

Your kid may be cute now, but it'll just grow up to be an asshole like everyone else.

Wow that is NOT a cute baby. Maybe the whole ugly duckling/swan thing will work out for it one day...I hope.

Fat or pregnant?

Out of my way! Or it's an elbow to the gut! (not that I would ever do that....that's just...mean!)

God doesn't exist! (then laugh maniacally inside my head).

If your goal in wearing that was to resemble someone who'd like to be paid for sex, you've succeeded.

I have a lot more, but they are way meaner and I've probably offended enough people already. Wait...no one reads this but me. Nevermind! 

Best book covers ever!

why do I have a cat?

I say this because my lovely animal that is supposed to bring me joy and comfort, and allows me to say silly and inane things to him in a high-pitched annoying voice, and who loves me unconditionally (as long as I feed him haha), decided to throw up in my bed this morning. I'm assuming people who have children think this a lot, as kids are more destructive and messy than cats. I remember when I was about 3 or 4 waking up in the middle of the night, walking to my parents room, and throwing up all over their bed. Hmmm, karma perhaps?
On a totally different subject, my upstairs neighbors are really irritating. I just heard the guy laugh loudly and thought "quiet, you." When we moved in our apartment, the upstairs apartment also had a couple living there, and they were really sweet and friendly. The guy would even help me bring heavy stuff up to my door. Sadly, they moved and the new one came in. While we rarely heard our previous upstairs neighbors, we constantly hear the new ones. We hear them stomping across the floor, scraping chairs loudly, yanking open drawers, and god knows what else. I don't understand.
The other night the neighbors were being particularly hippo-ish and Tom yelled up at the ceiling "shut up cows!" I hope they didn't hear me but seriously, are you people bowling up there? Maybe one of you is OCD and has to constantly rearrange furniture?

the not-as-young, not-so-single, still bitter

Now that I'm approaching..ahem...30..ugh....I feel that I can no longer refer to myself as young. Youth is that window between 14 and 29, in my opinion. Sure, at 30 you may still look young (I am still pretty arrogant about the fact that I look about 22...kind of a bitchy thing to brag about but oh well), but you've got "adult" pretty much stamped on your ass at this age. I think the hardest part about turning 30 will be trying not to compare myself to my peers who have actual adult things like houses and children and such, or what some people like to term "accomplishments."
Not being single anymore is really fun too, and reading back, some of my "I'll never find someone" remarks seem a little melodramatic and silly. Never is just a word that shouldn't be used in those contexts.
My inappropriate use of the word "never" reminds me of another time, in the first year I moved to NYC, when I was walking with some out-of-town friends through Times Square. The experience brought together everything I hated about NYC: humidity, heat, noisy crowds, and lack of personal space. As we dodged around yet another group of people who decided to stop and gawk, I said "I'm never coming to Times Square again. I hate this place!"
Of course, I go there all the time, mainly to see movies. Its a great place to meet people because the location is so central, and they've got two huge movie theaters right across the street from each other. Of course I'm going to be seeing movies there.
I'm still pretty bitter, mainly about the same stuff..media bs, general disappointment in humanity, continued disgust with much of what pop culture has to offer these days. But I'm sure I'll get to that soon. Or maybe not. Being angry alot is not fun. Sometimes I just block all the negativity that exists in our society and have to focus on the things I like, otherwise I feel like my head might explode-

This bitch is back!

Hahahahaha. Well lots of things bother me right now so I might start back up on this thing. Being in school really took a lot of focus for awhile but now I have really started to miss my creative outlet.
I'm starting to notice in my writing that I don't put commas between an ending dependent clause. Reference the sentence above, is it sacrilege not to put the comma after the "awhile"? The part of me that wants to stick to grammar rules says yes, but then I feel like in some instances the comma just breaks up the flow of the sentence. I don't know. Probably doesn't matter.
Better get off this thing before work internet spy programs catch me being unproductive.

The Television Media

The most ludicrous, sickening, shrieking, paranoid, judgmental, shallow, contentious, ridiculous expression of the American culture. Hands down. At least reality television trash doesn't try to sell itself as being anything other than outrageous and idiotic. Television "news" media acts like it serves some higher calling to the American public. Ha! I despise it.

ipod shuffle

I am bored and nothing's on TV tonight; I read all my books; I should be working on my short story for my writing class, but I cannot write at home anyway, so I'm going to do this pointless exercise: writing down the first 25 songs on my MP3 player, which is actually not an ipod, rather a ZEN by Creative. ooooh

1. Little Heaven, Toad the Wet Sprocket.
2. Head Down, Soundgarden
3. Everything I Touch, Stabbing Westward
4. Big Love, Fleetwood Mac
5. So Much to Say, Dave Matthews Band
6. Don't Stay, Lincoln Park
7. Iris, Goo Goo Dolls
8. Reunion, Collective Soul
9. Down Poison, Three Doors Down
10. Crazy On You, Heart
11. One, Creed
12. The Line Begins to Blur, Nine Inch Nails
13. Principles of Lust, Enigma
14. Over My Head (Cable Car), The Fray
15. Last Chance, Jet
16. I love you, Sarah McLachlan
17. Insomnia and the Hole in my head, Live
18. True Men Don't Kill Coyotes, Red Hot Chili Peppers
19. Sullivan Street, Counting Crows
20. Ridiculous Thoughts, The Cranberries
21. So Long, Goodbye, 10 Years
22. New Thing, Fuel
23. Big Casino, Jimmy Eat World
24. This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race, Fall Out Boy
25. Thinking of You, A Perfect Circle

Go ahead, judge me by my musical tastes. I don't have sophisticated taste in music; I won't argue with you. Just don't try to argue with me about which books are good, because I will throw down!

neo-feminism

I have felt that in the past few years an insidiousness has crept into our media's portrayal of women, and the expectations on women and what they should be has grown even more ridiculous and unattainable.

I feel the need to negate the first assumption many people assume when they hear the word "feminism", that is, that women who call themselves feminist are man-hating, children-hating, selfish, overly-ambitious career women who suffer massive cases of penis-envy; that, or they are super-leftist hippies who don't shave their armpits and wear all organic clothing.

I can't speak for others, for as for myself, I certainly don't hate men, or children, have goals that specifically DO pertain to a career, do shave my armpits, probably am selfish sometimes, and suffer a mild case of penis-envy. Because, how cool would it be to have a penis? SO much better than having a vag, really. I admit, I'm a little jealous of men, because they seem to be less judged for their choices as adults (although I could be wrong, after all, I'm not a man, and I'm sure they have pressures and issues that as a woman I am completely unaware of), plus they are lower-maintenance, have a relatively easy time when it comes to selecting clothing, can buzz off their hair whenever it bothers them and still look ok, don't have a biological clock, and are all strong and tall and think they drive better (hee hee).

I give feminism a lot of credit, for getting women the vote and trying to get us equal pay, for giving us the freedom to make choices that women in the past couldn't make, but there is one freedom I have issue with. One thing I think women fought for without really knowing what they were getting into. One thing that has come back to bite us in the ass (both literally and figuratively, as it were).

That thing is the so-called "sexual revolution." When women made they decision they wanted to be able to have sex before marriage, have multiple sexual partners, and be able to sleep with men without any sort of commitment, we really didn't know what we were getting into.

Women are not men and we cannot have sex like men. There may be a few women out there (I've never met any) who can sleep with guys and have it not mean anything and it be just about the physical experience, etc etc etc. But let me say this again, I have not met any. I have tried to fool myself into thinking I could have sex without any emotional involvement, but I was wrong.

The fact is, the sexual revolution benefited men far more than it benefited women. Everyone knows that the majority of men can sleep with a girl without feeling any sort of attachment to her whatsoever. I'm not trying to say that men never feel attachment to women, far from it, but they are capable of removing emotional involvement from the physical act of sex. Women, at least in my experience, are not.

It seems in the past ten years that women have lost more than they have gained in terms of finding the fulfillment, happiness, respect, and treatment that many of the feminists of the 70's had hoped for. I can't figure out if its the result of the sexual revolution, which made it ok for women to be openly sexualized in our cultural outlets, or just a progression of our culture. Either way, it's troublesome to me.

The standards that the mainstream media and cultural outlets have been presenting to women are so outrageous as to be laughable, if only you didn't get the sense that all of these outlets take themselves seriously. Even magazines that are purportedly not trash (Elle and Vogue, in particular) are hocking these ideals.

The first ideal that has gotten insanely ridiculous is beauty. Beauty has always been an extremely emotional and often political topic for women. Over the past decade, there has been a huge movement in women's mags and television shows to say that "all women are beautiful", that the blond-blue-eyed, skeletally skinny (but somehow with big breasts) standard of beauty was wrong, that different, more realistic ideas of beauty needed to be presented, that women of all shapes and sizes should be portrayed in our culture as sexy and beautiful and desirable. What a great thing, to finally have realistic portrayals of beautiful women in our culture. How positive and refreshing! Go women! However, the problem is none of these outlets actually present these images to women.

I had a subscription to Vogue for awhile, and when I worked at Borders I had access to all the women's mags, and would usually read them on my breaks. All of these magazines are structured formulaically, and most are interchangeable, although each of the magazines has some sort of demographic they are aiming for that slightly distinguishes them. All of these mags open with a Letter From the Editor, where the editor talks about the month's issue and how great it is, how all the celebrities interviewed were so amazing, about how they are balancing all the stress of being a women in modern society, how they understand exactly what you, as a woman, are going through, and how you need to be confident and value yourself as a person, rah rah rah! And yet, nearly every article is about how to change some (or every) aspect about yourself so you can be "better". Nearly every article is about how to be skinnier, prettier and younger-looking. Wait, where did all the celebrate yourself stuff go?

Case in point, about a year ago I was flipping through an edition of Vogue. The full-length articles were about the following: a women who goes through a series of "anti-aging" regimes and the results there-of. An article examining new diet trends and the benefits thereof. We have a whole industry of magazines, of media, that heralds themselves as providing information for women to feel good about themselves and their lives, yet the majority of the articles are about living up to certain standards of beauty and lifestyle, often so complicated and contradictory that you would have to be the most disciplined person on the planet to follow all of their "advice" on how to lead a healthy, "happy" life.

The most hypocritical thing about all this? The imagery. All the photography features 16-year-old, primarily white, women who are incredibly thin. Or celebrities who are incredibly thin. How can all these magazines, which proudly proclaim they are "pro-women" feature images and articles designed to make women feel inadequate? The answer? Because we women continue to buy these magazines! And I really don't know why.

This blatant hypocrisy is easy to spot in women's mags, and entertainment mags, but I find it even more sinister in movies, precisely for the fact it is subtle, and therefore more insidious.

In the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith there is a scene where Brad Pitt has just discovered his wife, Angelina Jolie, is an assassin. He is watching her running around being all action-starry and riding a four-wheeler in the desert. He turns to another guy (I forget who) and says something to the effect of "You see the brunette? About 5'7" and a buck twelve? That's my wife."

This comment has stuck with me because it is so wrong. Angeline Jolie is obviously one of the most beautiful women in the world. But a 112 lbs on a 5'7" frame? Not happening. Maybe when she was all yucky and heroin-looking in Wanted, but certainly not in that movie, where she was toned and relatively normal-looking. I am 5'7", and I haven't weighed 112 lbs since I was in the eighth grade. And ten-plus years later, at about 130 lbs (give or take 5 pounds or so, depending on the time of year), people still comment on how thin I am. I am utterly flabbergasted why, in a movie with a fictional character talking about another fictional character, they still cannot refer to a woman's actual weight. They had to shave off a good ten pounds and for what purpose? I just don't get it.

It's not only how women are being referred to in some movies. It's the actresses who are being cast. So many Hollywood actresses have spoken out against the skinny standards, yet so many of these actresses are pin-thin. And they are still cast in major movie roles. I'm thinking Kate Bosworth in Superman Returns, who is so skinny she can't fill out a pair of pants, and Keira Knightley in The Duchess, which is a movie I loved, but you can see her ribs through her back in that movie. Claire Danes, Anne Hathaway, Blake Lively, Evan Rachel Wood and several others actresses I have noticed are all that uncomfortably skinny, the collar-bone-sticking-out-abnormally-far skinny. And the cosmetic surgery that so many of these celebrities get is sad too, not only because it's obvious (for the most part), but because of how vehemently most of the women who have gotten it have denied it. Not only do they deny it, but then talk about how "naturally beautiful" is so important.

That's why I love older movies. Even movies from the 80's. Women looked so real then. You see a movie from the 30's, 40's and 50's and the difference is even more pronounced. You see these women, and they're beautiful, but they also look alot like women who you see walking around on the streets. Their bodies are so, well, normal-looking. I don't know if its just me, but cosmetic surgery enhanced faces are so obvious and boring. Symmetrical perfection doesn't necessarily translate into striking beauty.

I guess I could handle it when all women had to worry about was ridiculous beauty standards. It's relatively easy to dismiss pictures in a magazines. But its pervaded to every aspect of women's lives. Suddenly, every twenty-to-thirty something woman in the public eye is on "pregnancy watch."

It's like, they said "we have made the standard of youth and beauty so impossible that it is becoming a caricature of itself. We've got to find something else: that's it "motherhood!"

It seems like it used to be a woman had children at the time in her life when she was ready and that was that.

But now, oh no. Suddenly, it's "trendy" to be pregnant. Suddenly, every magazine is displaying proud celeb mommies who gush about how wonderful motherhood is, and how their lives have changed and they never knew what love was before they had a baby, how their lives were an empty, barren, selfish wasteland of existence before they had a kid, etc etc etc. And how its just "so easy" to skinny get weeks after giving birth, and how great dad is, and how wonderful the relationship with dad is and always will be (ha!).

I'm sure motherhood is as life-changing and important and incredible as described; however, doesn't it all seem just a little bit too much life a created fairy tale? To me it does. The constant pregnancy speculation about every 20-something women bothers me, not because I think women shouldn't be openly discussing this things, but because of the judgment that is behind it.

When someone is asking you "when are you going to have children?" They don't mean "at what age and time in your life do you think you will have children?" They really mean "why aren't you having children now?" and they also mean "as a woman of a certain age, according to our vision of society and what a woman should be, you really should be having children. why aren't you? and when do you think that will happen?"

The message I'm getting, and I could be wrong, but what I truly feel the message our cultural outlets are sending to women now, is "if you aren't having a baby, you're not a complete woman."

And I have a huge problem with that.

And don't get me started on how politicized and preachy our culture is getting to mothers and about how they "should be" raising their kids.

I'm hoping that in the next decade women will say enough is enough. These images, these so-called "self-help" articles, and these constant discussions on what women should and should not be doing in every aspect of our lives will go away. If I have a daughter, I'm going to be extremely anxious about her growing up in this environment.

I love the following quote:

The fiery Ditto, named one of Spinner's 'Top Women Who Rock,' spoke to the rock site last year while promoting the Gossip's concert album 'Live in Liverpool' about the challenges of weight in rock.
"TV single-handedly ruined good music. Bessie Smith could never be a star now. Aretha Franklin could never be what she was, now. It's the image -- everybody looks really cool, everybody looks amazing. It's the image that people needed to sell to keep TV alive. That's why indie scenes -- punks scenes -- exist, because it's a rebellion against that idea. I feel like bringing up the body is using sexism to my advantage. It's good to get that conversation started. Even amongst feminists, people would be like, "Don't you think [posing nude] is a new kind of sexism?" And I'm like, "Well, at least it's new." I guess it could be the old sexism and we could be the old feminists. But new means change, and change leaves room for dialogue."

The anti-me

It seems like when something comes along that people love and rave about, I automatically hate (especially if its something people in my generation like) Then when the hype dies down, I will start liking it.
For example: The iphones piss me off. The iphone users in the commericals are arrogant know-it-alls. "My iphone can find out where I parked my car and knows all the songs playing on the radio and can cure cancer while I play my pinball app, blah blah blah." So what? I don't need an iphone to run my life. I have a thing called a brain. So there. thbpppt!!!!
Of course, if I got one, I would think it was the coolest thing ever.

I consider myself a loyal liberal but when everyone was trashing Bush there at the end, I actually felt sorry for him. And I hated Bush during his presidency; I especially hated him after 9-11, when most of the country still liked him. I never agreed with the Patriot Act (let's respond to terrorism by taking away our own freedoms. Isn't that what they wanted? And all the censorship around that time, plus the whole "if you don't believe in exactly what we believe you're no better than a terrorist" mentality disgusted me. But there this past year when people were trashing him I found myself thinking, come on, he's still the President, and wanting to like him, only because the majority of people in my age group didn't.

If I read in magazines that short hair is in, then I keep mine long, if everyone's growing it out, I'm cutting it. The whole boots-tucked-into the jeans look? Right now, I scorn it, but a year from now I'll be doing it. I don't like the hipster-favorite peacoat now yet I used to wear one in college! I have always considered myself an environmentalist and was shopping at organic grocery stores 5 years ago, but now all the people talking about recycling and living green have started to annoy me-
If there is a psychological disorder that centers around being a contrarian, then I'm the textbook subject-

So I follow this blog called One-Minute Writer, which gives a daily topic to write about for one minute. I don't know why I follow this blog because I never write about any of the suggestions or bother to read most of them, but this particular suggestion got my attention:


Saturday, December 20, 2008

Today's Writing Prompt: Chicken
Why did the chicken cross the road?


Are you fucking kidding me? Really? Really? You want me to write about why the chicken crossed the road? Seriously? Really?

whiny me

I feel like this whole thing has just been me bitching about everything. Which is fun and all, but everything I write can't be negative. That would just be wrong. I do have other feelings besides exasperation, rage, contempt, self-loathing wrapped up in a package of mockery and derision, disappointment, unhappiness, cynicism, and so on...



I feel the need to list a few things that make me happy:



COFFEE! Yay!!!!!!!!!



Chewy New York Bagels



When I get home from work, and my cat gets all evil and big-eyed and stalks me around the apt for about 30 minutes, taking random swipes at me and then tearing off to go hide under the bed



Making fart sounds. I'm serious. Purse your lips and blow. The sounds that come out are some funny funny shit. You can entertain yourself for an hour doing this.



Engaging my roommate in our ritual of insulting each other. Talking shit is just fun.

BOOKS!!!!!!!!

I think I've lived here too long-

Because the only thoughts running through my head as people brush by me in the subway grottos (they are unworthy to be deemed "stations"), (physically touching me as they brush by me, by the way, which is a big No-No. I have a personal bubble the size of Texas) are:

1. Everybody can EAT ME! I hate all you fuckers!

2. Why is everybody in such a rush? I could care less if I'm 10 minutes late to work. Sheep! You are all sheep! (to steal a line from one of my favorite teen movies)

3. Can the subway get even more crowded than this? (Answer: yes)

4. I don't need a $400.00 iphone to entertain myself. The voices in my head are entertaining enough....

Ms. Pessimist of 2009

Every year since 2003 I've told myself that the next year was bound to better...and every year I have been wrong (except for the summer of 2006. That summer was fucking AMAZING). It's not that anything bad has happened (which I am grateful for), but nothing particularly good has happened either. So for 2009...I have no expectations

rambling thoughts about being a product of the 80's and 90's

Is it just me or does anyone else feel like become an adult has been the biggest letdown. I didn't sign up for this!!! I remember how great I thought everything would be when I got into my twenties. Ha! Since we live in a society of victimhood and blame, I am going to blame the fact that I am a product of the 80's and 90's for the fact that my adult life is disappointing, particularly my relationships

The first round of this attack will be aimed at Disney. Bad enough that they anthropomorphized animals so much that I have found myself fretting over the emotional state of my cat on numerous occasions. And it's also their fault that I have to say "Waaah!Bebe!" everytime I see roadkill (they are also the cause of me calling any and every cute animal "bebe").

Let's get started on those damn Disney princesses. Ariel was a strong-willed girl who knew what she wanted (Prince Eric) to and was going to go to any amount of lengths to get it (or in this case, him). She gives up everything important to her and gets the guy. You know, the whole non-talking thing? Every man's fantasy. So listen up, little girls, if you give up everything you love and don't talk, you will get a prince. (Eric was also the hottest of the Disney princes)

Jasmine was smart, cynical, and didn't fall for the those rich douche-bag princes with their one liners. My kind of princess. She falls for Aladdin because he's "himself" (kinda) around her. The lesson of Jasmine is having a personality (but being incredibly gorgeous on top of that won't hurt) will get you the love of your life. That's actually a good message. I guess I don't have really any bone to pick with this movie. However, I do have a strong personality and low bs tolerance, just like Jasmine, and I just get told that I'm obnoxious and an ice queen. Go figure.

And then there's Belle. Beauty and the Beast has to be my favorite Disney flick. Belle loved to read (!). She was intelligent (!). She was caring, selfless, and not shallow (!). Beast was like that really good friend she wasn't attracted to but enjoyed spending time with. Eventually she does come to love him, and POOF! He becomes a gorgeous prince! Yeah right!

Although most of my friends think he was hotter as the beast...but STILL.

And let's not get started on all those princesses in the golden-era Disney flicks (Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty). How dare Disney put all these happily-ever-after-there is one person for everyone-love lasts forever -visions into my pliant -already way too into stories and fairy tales-mousy-haired little head?

But Disney is a mere parcel of the 80's and 90's culture that ruined my life. (me, melodramatic?never!)

What about all those 80's teen movies where the nerdy unpopular people got the girl/guy of their dreams?

Growing up in the 80's and 90's we were fed a diet of pop culture and consumerism. Every cultural aspect of our lives was tied up with commercialism..Christmas became all about the toys (remember the cabbage patch craze? And Nintendo?) McDonald's Happy Meal was "happy" because it came with a toy (because it sure as hell wasn't about the food)

As we entered the 90's and into our teen years, the milestones of our youth were tied up into what we wore, what type of accessories we had (bags, electronics (remember pagers, precursors to our obssession with what cell phones we now carry), what cars we wanted to drive. The standards for beauty and success became more ridiculous. What were we told to attain but accumulation of more wealth? There was no longer any higher ideal to live up to, no better life to achieve (we were living the better life). All the messages, the stuff to get, the image to be, was tied up in trying to be happier and more fulfilled.

All this 80's and 90's American culture led me to dream big, to expect love, and to stay true to who I was. Most will agree that these are pretty good messages. But we can't expect all our dreams to come true.... If everyone's dreams came true poverty wouldn't exist. Some work harder, some want it more, and some are just damn lucky. But what of the rest of us? Those of us who slosh through our adult lives, working at mundane jobs, always in a hurry, stuck in the glut of other people going to their mundane jobs, waiting in line constantly (or on line, if you're on the east coast), perptually navigating through impersonal, ugly spaces. Maybe its just that the world of my childhood was painted as a vast and wonderful place full of hope, excitement, and possiblity. The real "adult" world I'm now a part of doesn't seem so wonderful. In fact, it seems quite the opposite.

And the most fractured part of our society seems to be relationships. The divorce rate is still at roughly 50 percent. Nearly everyone I know lives in a family of divorce. I'll be the first to say I don't think this is a tragic statistic, but merely illuminates that fact that the reality of our adult love lives is a sharp contrast to what we are led to expect as children. I am beginning to think marriage is more a lifetime friendship than a the passionate "one soul mate for everyone" type of love that is so prevalent in our stories.

I used to think marriage was the penulatimate in a relationship. That "Mr. Right" or "Prince Charming", "The One", my "Knight in Shining Armor", was just waiting around the corner to sweep me off my feet. And I still love watching those Disney flicks, and sighing, and reading romances, and watching great male characters, but I'm beginning to realize that is all just fantasy, and not a mirror of what love is supposed to be.

With weddings now becoming more of a spectacle than a sacred ceremony all about "the dress", "the ring" and what food is being served, and easily costing tens of thousands of dollars(although I have to give my friends and family credit, their weddings have been primarily about having their friends and family brought together in celebration), I am becoming more and more against the idea of having a wedding, and of getting married.

And I can't decide if this is just a bitter, cynical rejection of everything I looked forward to as a young girl, or a realistic decision based on my observations about how modern relationships work-or don't, in my case.

As we go into the next decade, as my generation comes out of our spoiled, idealistic, Disney-themed youths, what messages will we create for our children? Can we really say that everyone has a one true love with a straight face? Will anything ever be sacred and holy anymore, or will all or our ceremonies (especially marriage) continue to be commercialized?

It will be interesting to see what happens. I think (and I already see this) that there's going to be huge backlash towards all the fakeness that has overtaken our culture. That as our ability to purchase status items, status vehicles, and status lives dwindles, instead of looking to icons of our consumerism (goodbye, plastic barbie faces and bodies, goodbye designer handbags. The concept of cellphones as a reflection of who we are will, alas, never die) to define ourselves, perhaps will we find something more meaningful to care about. That last statement is an exagerration. There are a lot of really positive things going on right now and I think our generation still cares the most about family and friends, and the world in general, but still.....

Another one of my perceptions is that our generation is lacking one major thing it seems our predecessors had: belief that the world of the future would be better than the current world. That the world their children inherited would be better than the one they grew up in. Wasn't that the reason our grandparents (the greatest generation, hands down) fought in the World Wars? Wasn't that the underlying belief in the counterculture movement of the 60's? I have heard from many people in my parents generation stating that they "wanted to give their kids everything they didn't have." My generation was the first to reap from this philosophy, showered in material goods and fed messages that we were "special" and deserved the best of everything. I think the past decade has shown these ideals will not sustain our society through the next 50 years or so.

With the resources continuing to dwindle as world populations swell, with technology that's supposed to connect us isolating us from each other even more (in my opinion), and with violence, hatred, and religious strife continuing, I honestly do not know if the world 50 years for now is a place I want to live in. Does anyone in my generation believe the world our children will inherit will be a better, cleaner, more peaceful one? My faith in the future being a wonderful place is fragile and hesitant, at best. All of us has witnessed the glory and the darkness that marks our civilization; we know what we are capable of, for good and for bad.

I have issues with organized religion, but at least it gave us something to believe in that was greater than ourselves.

The one thing I will give this culture is that the ideal of hope has always been the underlying theme. And it is this theme which won Barack Obama the presidency. Where this hope will take us, I don't know. The era of decadence fueled by our 80's and 90's culture, and its attempt to sell us into better lives is ending. The ideals of true love, of individual specialness, and dreams coming true will never leave us, but hopefully the fact that we have to buy into a certain lifestyle in order to achieve these things will. If we can look at relationships and marriage, hell, if we can look at our lives as something better than a movie, or a fairy tale, or a product...

Art will, and should, always be important. Films, tv, music, all this culture enriches our lives. But I don't think it should soley define us.

I don't know what I want anymore. I think I have too many choices. I have been given everything I could ever need in life. I have had the freedom to do whatever I want and become whatever I have wished to be. And for the most part, I have partaken in all the freedom and choices I could. I am grateful for the life and country I have been born into, and am thankful for the generations before me.

Call me ungrateful, call me pessimisstic, but most of the time, I don't really like the world.

And I have no idea whatsoever how to find happiness in it. All the neat stuff, all the choices, all the freedoms, all the great ideals, all the hope and promise of love, of children, of white picket fences and subarban pardise, none of it, none of it has made me feel content, or made my life feel like it had meaning or a purpose. And as alone and isolated I often I feel, I have the feeling that the above stated sentiments are feelings that many people out there in my generation share.

old blogs

Here are all my old (semi-interesting) blogs from Myspace. It's interesting to see how much has changed and yet how much has stayed the same over the years.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006
The East Coast...
For those of you not blessed with spending time on the East Coast, let me share the wonderful experience with you... I will submit my points concerning the East Coast in a list, as that is my preferred method of communication.
1. Humidity: a bastard. Unlike the Deep South, the humidity is not accompanied by stifling heat. It typically comes on with the rain. In the drier, sunnier, more beautiful climes, when it rains, it is refreshing. The smell is wonderful and filled with earthy, leafy scents. After it rains, everythings looks clean and sparkling. On the East Coast, when it rains, it is like the air has become a sponge. A month-old, moldy sponge. Far from being refreshing, it is damp, soppy, and soggy. The smell is not earth/leafy; it is more like mildew-y/swampy. And there is no refreshing, after-rain sparkle, only dingy, wet, soaking crud that reeks.
2. Customer Service: when it's convenient. You can walk into a store, say a Dunkin' Donuts (they are like the plague out here, you can't walk more than a block without one popping up) and there will be a number of workers behind the counter busily cleaning and wiping and preparing things and doing all those tasks required of them. Yet you, apparently, are not a priority. Bee-like tasks, first, customers, second. Oh, they'll get to you, but on their time. And then they'll act like they're going out of their way to help you. Hello! I'm the one that's keeping your company in business and you with a job, jack-ass. This has happened to me in two dunkin'donuts, a Stop and Shop (grocery store), and a department store.
3. Sports: The fact that on Saturday night, when the Broncos were playing the Titans, all so-called "sports" channels decided to play golf, race cars and the Little League World series. Everyone is obssessed with baseball, either the Red Sox, Yankees, or Mets. I am so upset that I won't be able to watch the majority of Broncos games and will instead have to end up rooting for some dumb team like the Giants or the Jets.
4. The Ocean: too cold to swim in. Enough said.
5. Traffic: can't really talk. Colorado still has the biggest asshole drivers. Sorry.
6. Trees: they're everywhere. They blanket the East Coast. And they're thick. You look into a wooded area and light barely streams through. They are no replacement for mountains and other such things of geographical interest. I'm just waiting for fall because there had better be a pretty great display of fall colors from all these goddammed trees.
Well, I think that's enough said. And I want to say to all of you lucky enough to live in the West-you aren't missing anything, trust me.

Monday, June 19, 2006
Karma battle continued
My shame continues. I went to this party at Colin's house on Friday because I wanted to meet these two girls who were moving to NYC. It was a pretty raging party and a lot of people were there, including hot guys. And at first everything was going fine for me. I was talking to a lot of people, some whom I knew from the past and some new people. I got felt up by a lesbian on my way down the back stairs and out into the back yard who said as she grabbed my tits "There should be a booby contest later on and you should enter!" It was the most action I'd seen in months. I also got hit on by another lesbian with one of those "faux-hawks" who actually pulled it off really well.
I even survived meeting the ex's new lady, who is nice and beautiful, not that I would expect any less from him. Not that I was jealous, but that situation is always a little strange.
But, alas, alcohol, my inherent lack of coordination, and tall shoes all conspired against me this evening. Added to the fact that nothing lately has worked in my favor (refer to first paragraph re: lesbians. Don't get me wrong, I pretty much dig lesbians right now, they've done more for my self-esteem than any man has lately, but they lack a very important appendage that I don't think I could do without in a relationship, and no, the so-called "replacements" just wouldn't measure up, I know they wouldn't).
Anyway, I was out in the backyard, which was very lumpy, by the way, and I had to pee. Instead of making my way through the crowd and to the door, I decided to skirt around everyone and take the shorter route. Unfortunately, this entailed walking along the back of the house, which was littered with debris. Also, this house is extremely old and had an old cellar entrance that has since been blocked off, but a couple of stairs and a bunch of other crap (it was dark so I don't know exactly what was down there) still sloped down into the cellar entrance. I went to step around someone, and ended up on the first crumbling cellar stair. My shoe caught on the very edge of the stair and I began to fall sideways, so I grabbed on the first thing I saw, which was, bizarrely, a loose gutter pipe. The gutterpipe, however, wasn't attached to anything, so I wasn't able to regain my balance and I ended up falling ass-first down the stairwell. I also ended up cutting a hole in some really nice jeans that made my ass look good, and somehow the gutter pipe cut my knee open, so I have wicked-looking inch-long cuts on my knee cap that are filled with denim transferred to the wound during the fall. And now my ass really hurts too.
This spectalce was seen be nearly everyone at this party. I had some brave guy pull me out of the cellar entrance, and I wish I knew who he was, because I will be forever grateful to him for saving me. I also lost a shoe in the process, and several people in my vicinity searched for it. It was eventually recovered. Then Colin's girlfriend, sweetly concerned for me, ran up to see how I was, which was nice. Of course, Colin had to say , "I think you've had plenty enough to drink." Which made me feel great, and left me to wonder if I have created a self-fulfilling prophecy here, with all my whining about how karma doesn't exist.
So I left the party in shame, hanging my head, knowing that everyone left there would be talking about the pathetic lush who fell down the entrance to the cellar. What pisses me off is that I wasn't even trashed enough for this to be true, but I knew that was what everyone will assume. Sigh. And I know people were laughing at me, secretly while it was happening,and out-loud in huge guffaws after I had left. I know this because the friends I have told this story to could not contain their glee, and they actually care about me. Oh well, if this had happened to someone else I would find it hilarious. But now I expect something great to happen to me after this experience to make up for it. Not that I believe in karma or that junk or anything.

Friday, April 07, 2006
This sucks!
So I was totally in love with Jonathan Brandis when I was a pre-teen and teenager. I watched him in Never Ending Story and LadyBugs AND Sidekicks even though all of those movies were pretty bad. Then when Seaquest DSV came on I religiously watched that show because he was in it. Well, come to find out he committed suicide two years ago. That just makes me really sad, to know my childhood obsession died in such a terrible way. Oh, and I have to say to John-you were right. Dammit, I hate saying that. Now his ego will get even bigger than it is.
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Tuesday, March 28, 2006
So....
My phone has not rang in 70 hours. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself or anything with this statement, but it does prove my theory that if I were to die in my apartment I would surely rot for at least three days in there, with my stench finally alerting my neighbors that something was wrong. They'd find me all bloated and my cats would probably have eaten little bits and pieces of me here and there. Well, if I died on a Friday this would happen. If I died during the work week I'd probably be found within 24 hrs because work would want to know what was up and they'd start alerting people.
Currently listening : Phantoms By Acceptance Release date: 26 April, 2005
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Friday, March 24, 2006
Why do I like to piss people off?
So I went out with nearly all of my coworkers for lunch today and somehow the topic of religion was brought up. We went around the table saying what religion we were and everyone else was like, "Catholic, Methodist, Baptist, Catholic..." So when it got to me I said "atheist", not because I am one, but just because I wanted to see if anyone would get mad or say something to me. And the thing is, I've done that before, on several occasions, when people have asked me what I beleived. And I've always said "atheist" just to be an ass and see how people reacted. I don't know why I'm like that, but I kind of feel like a hypocrite when I claim atheist and then find myself praying...Anway, that's it. I know this is not a high-quality story or anything, just a random though I wanted to share and see if anyone else finds themselves being contrary on purpose
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Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Bye Bye Colorado!!!! Category: Life
So, I haven't really told any of my friends this, but I have made the decision to move to New York City. I have a lot of reasons for doing so but the main ones are as follows:
1. I'm at the point now where I'm working to live rather than living to work. I majored in English in college because I love literature and writing is one of the only things I am halfway decent at. And I went to the Publishing Institute at the University of Denver because I have a passion for books and want to be involved in their creation. And obviously, my job now has nothing to do with any of these things. I stayed here after I graduated becauseI love Colorado and have moved around my whole life, plus I love being near my family. But I have come to realize it's not enough, because what it boils down to is me and what I want to be doing, and there is nothing in Colorado for me career-wise. NYC, on the other hand, is the mecca for publishing. I'm pretty sure I want to work for a big house rather than the regionally-oriented houses that are scattered across the country, and NYC is the place to be for the big houses.
2. I feel like I will never get a boyfriend if I stay here. That's probably not entirely true, but Denver is not a large city by any means. The majority of my friends are in serious relationships that are headed towards marriage, and their friends are all in serious relationships that are most likely headed towards marriage. I'd like to live in a place where there are a lot of single people my age; where being single is ok, is the norm. In Denver, it's not really "the norm" to be 25 and single. And I don't even know if I want to get married, ever. I feel like in New York I'll at least have better opportunities to date, and I won't feel so different just because I am single. Now a lot of this may just be my perception of my situation, but I really think I will have much better opportunities to meet guys out there than here in ol'Cowtown.
So those are pretty much my reasons. The hardest part will be leaving everyone here b/c you all are so great. But I'm tired of feeling unhappy and like a big-fat nothing. If I'm going to be doing my own thing, I might as well be doing it in the pursuit of something I love. I'm tired of just existing. And hey, if it doesn't work out for me out there you can guaruntee I will come crawling back to Colorado!
Currently reading : Quicksilver (The Baroque Cycle, Vol. 1) By Neal Stephenson Release date: 21 September, 2004
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Wednesday, May 31, 2006
New York continued. Don't read if you don't want a long, drawn-out story.
First of all, I am so grateful for all the support I am getting concerning the pending move. I really shouldn't be surprised, because I pride myself on having amazing people as friends. But, I still kind of think some view this move as an escape, and sometimes I think that is why I'm doing it, too. That I think all the things I don't like about my life will be magically fixed once I move there. That I will somehow find the perfect job, boyfriend, etc. (By the way, I know those last two sentences are fragments, and I don't care!)
But the more I think about it, the more I know the real reasons. And I know no matter what my reasons were everyone would still be behind me 100 percent. I still feel the need to share, however.
I have many regrets from my past about missed opportunites. There has been so much I have wanted to do that I have never done because of three factors: lack of self-confidence, laziness, and fear. In high school I always wanted to be in plays but never could get up the nerve to try out; I never tried out for solos in choir, never joined newspaper or yearbook or french club even though I thought they would be fun. I was too shy and too scared. I was on the track team my sophmore year but couldn't stick it out because it required a lot of work to get better, plus I couldn't stand the humilation of always losing. Instead of trying harder, I quit. I never felt I would be good enough to do most of these activities anyway. I didn't realize that individual success is more important than how you succeed in a group. I always compared myself to others, and never measured up to what I perceived they were. I didn't take any hard classes because I didn't want to do the work, and I felt uncomfortable around people who I thought were smarter than me.
I did well in college mainly because you can sit in a classroom and be anonymous and still get an A. I began to speak up more in class but still wasn't entirely ok with giving my opinion. A lot of the times I would feel really dumb after I talked. And I still continued to miss out on things I wanted to try or do because I was afraid or it required effort and/or putting myself out there. English honor society, the school lit mag, and getting an internship are all things I wanted to do but didn't.
Before I go on, I want to know that I am not asking for compliments here. I don't need anyone to tell me how great I am, smart I am, special I am, etc. And I have great parents and have been so fortunate in my life, so I'm not trying to throw a pity party here either. All these things were my perceptions and not reality. People who've struggled with not liking themselves, or "low self-esteem" or "bad self-image" know what I'm talking about. Rationally, on a certain level, you know you should like yourself and be confident in who you are, and you can have people tell you these things, but it still doesn't matter. It couldn't and didn't change the way I felt about myself.
I've had much time to think about the past and try to come to some kind of peace with how it was, and how I was. Of course, it's always easier to look back and see the real reasons for what was going on. So, to take a inordinate amount of time trying to get to a point, the heart of my move is to change this pattern that I've been living in my whole life. I want to get out of my comfort zone. I want to actually have to work to achieve a goal. I want to be able to know that even though I was afraid I accomplished something that I wanted. While I haven't exactly been happy the past three years I have had to learn how to love myself. I don't think it would have ever happened if I hadn't lived alone for so long and if I hadn't been single for so long. And if I didn't have my friends who have ALWAYS been there for me. Maybe I needed to go through this to find out what confidence and believing in yourself really means, but I know now when I walk into a room full of strangers I am not afraid. And as far as my work is concerned, I feel confident that I can go into a work place and give my opinion without fear. I do not care whatever everyone thinks of me; I only care about the opinions of the people whom I respect, admire, and love. I feel capable at suceeding in what I pursue, in enjoying activites, in not competing with or comparing myself to others. New York is the final goodbye to the person who does not like herself, who does not feel she is good enough. In New York I will have to be. And even if I end up not liking it, and do come back to Colorado, I will know that I tried. That, at least once in my life, I was able to leap into the dark pool of the unknown and not drown.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Why do only criminals hit on me? Current mood: bored
It's true. And the hot lesbian I work with, but that doesn't really count. I mean, if I were a lesbian, it would be great. But I'm not.
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Thursday, December 29, 2005
Goodbye 2005! Current mood: contemplative
So this has been quite the year. For everybody else, that is. I've been pretty stagnant this past year. Well, I don't know if I could go as far as saying "stagnant", because I honestly believe I went through my quarter life crisis this year. (And I didn't make that term up, I have read about this phenomenon). I think what's really brought me down this year is sex. It's not that I didn't have it, I just did it for the wrong reasons and with the wrong people. So one of my new year's resolutions is to go without having sex for as long as I can. This could be difficult or ridiculously easy depending on how 2006 goes.
My love life totally sucked this year, but on the other, I had such a good time with all my friends that I wasn't too lonely too often. And I've probably made my best drunken memories ever this year. This includes the time when I climbed a fence in downtown denver, ripping my jeans from ass to knees on both legs, and still walking to Denver Diner that way. I also kissed a girl on Halloween, and got lost in a movie theater, causing Matt to go searching for me and missing "Walk the Line." Unfortunatley, smacking my face with a pool cue in Table Steaks wasn't a result of alcohol, merely and example of my horrific hand/eye coordination. Thanks, parents, for giving me absolutely none of your athletic ability, grace, or mobility. Thanks alot. This is probably the first year I've been this bitter about being genetically screwed in several different ways, not just the usual ones you can think of.
Anyway, I like to take the time to thank a few people/groups for keeping me angry or amused this year.
First, thank you to roughly 30 percent of Denver drivers. You have made me realize that I am addicted to rage and can feed this addiction daily by driving on the lovely streets of Denver. Die motherfuckers, die!
Thank you, girls of Lodo. Your commitment to maintaing an attractive image at all times by refusing to wear coats in the bitter winter weather makes me realize that being checked out by random guys on the streets is just not worth it. But I admire your dedication.
Thank you, Denver Broncos, for giving me something to waste my time with on Sunday afternoons. I have an entirely irrantional/emotional relationship with you that has taken the place of my normally irrational/emotional relationship w/men. This might be a good thing.
Well, that's about it. I wish everyone the best of luck for 06. Now I will go pick up another kitten, probably aiding me in my celibacy for the oncoming year. Ciao.
Currently listening : A Rush of Blood to the Head By Coldplay Release date: 27 August, 2002
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Thursday, December 08, 2005
For those of us who are habitually single... Current mood: contemplative
So right now I'm kind of in a slump and was wondering if any of you other single people can relate. For instance, I can't even remember what it feels like to be attracted to someone. I haven't had sex in so long that I forget what that feels like, too. Sometimes I don't even think about it, period. For days. I can picture it in my head, but none of these images evoke any kind of sensation. And in all my fantasies, the guy's face is blurry. I can't even vizualize a person I'd like to date. The weird thing is, I'm not craving any kind of physical contact with anyone. It's as if that part of my life has become a concept more than a reality. I know that relationships are out there, that they exist, but they have nothing to do directly with me. I feel alienated from that whole aspect of life. More than ever in my life, I feel contained, centered completely around myself. It's very strange.
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Monday, December 05, 2005
drunk picture of me Current mood: bitchy
I love how that one picture I took back when I was twenty years old continues to pop up wherever I go. Like, how the hell did Casey get it in color. All I can say is, when and if I get a digital camera, watch out!
Currently reading : The Complete Sherlock Holmes By Arthur Conan Doyle Release date: 03 September, 2002
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Friday, December 02, 2005
computers Current mood: discontent
Riddle me this: How are computers supposed to take over the world when everytime I try and "refresh" my piece of shit email at work my computer freezes? Die network, die!
Currently reading : The Historian By Elizabeth Kostova Release date: 14 June, 2005
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Wednesday, November 30, 2005
why life is stupid Current mood: pessimistic
So I just titled that to get your attention. Ha! I actually don't believe that, not really. No one will read this anyway. Let's just say the job I do can seriously test faith in the intelligence of life, the human race, and its designer, if you believe in that sort of thing. And karma? Please. Try reverse karma. But that's enough for now. Just to let you know, I guarantee every one who has ever known me, been friends with me, been enemies with me, even, is better off than I am now. So all you people that hated me? Relish this. Because I must have seriously fucked up somewhere to be this much of a failure



Thursday, February 09, 2006
If I had a band on myspace...
This isn't really aimed at any bands that I personally know who are my friends on Myspace. You guys rock and only post a bulletin to announce a show. Your profiles are simple and to the point. This is for almost every other band that tries daily to be my friend. Before I start, let me say one thing "Stop your shameless self-promotion".
If I had a band on myspace, I would first post at least one bulletin a day trying to get people to check out my profile. I would tell (not ask, mind you, but tell) people to check out my new songs, my new pictures, my new profile etc,etc. After I had ordered you to check this out, I would post yet another bulletin reordering you to check these out and also add that you needed put a comment on these things. I would then post yet another bulletin to ensure you had read the first two and asking why you had not done the things I have ordered you to do.
My profile bio would read something like this:
One of the most talented artists to emerge in years, Amanda's Myspace band has a gripping sound that will rip emotions from your soul you never knew you had. Hailed as "the best band pretty much ever, with the most incredible musicianship in the world" by the Podunk Town no one's ever heard of Press, you must hear this band to believe the earth shattering sounds they are able to produce. Their songs possess a unique originality that captures both the irony and joy of life with lyrics that are dark, inspiring, humorous, philosophical, heart-capturing, genius, and provoke images and ideas that are so great they are beyond compare. The lead singer has been described as "the second coming of Christ" with a voice previously only heard in the angelic choirs, if you know what I mean. The guitarist's soaring riffs and aggressive style of play inspires awe in even the most prodigious of musicians. The bassist and drummer are also pretty un-fucking-beleivable as well, possessing a rhythmic sense and style all their own.
If you don't listen to Amanda's Myspace band, your life will be a meaningless pit of black existence and you will forever be caught in the musical miasma of every other band out there. Only by listening to us, coming to every one of our shows, and buying all our cd's and other merchandise will save you from almost certain doom and a colorless life devoid of all art and profundity.
6:06 AM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Friday, January 20, 2006
My perspective on being single Current mood: sympathetic Category: Romance and Relationships
This originated as a reply to a friend, but it gives a good perspective on how I feel about the whole single/living alone thing. I thought some of my other friends might appreciate it. I have edited a little so it makes sense in a more general way.
Response to friend who is tired of being heartbroken and alone:
Having been in your situation before, I wish I had more comfort to give you but I really don't. It seems really unfair that nice girls like us and even awesome guys that we are friends with remain single and alone while the majority of people our age seem to be involved in relationships. And I have definitely questioned myself time and time again why I wasn't deserving of some guy's love that I really wanted. I've gone through every stage of feeling shitty about myself and still question my own attractiveness, because a lot of the times I don't feel like I am desirable or lovable at all.When you don't have someone from the opposite sex around who you find attractive reinforcing your sexuality it's easy to feel bad about yourself.
It's difficult not to compare yourself and your life situations to others. I just doesn't seem fair that you have had to go through so much and still not find someone who cares about you the way you deserve. And it seems unfair to me that every night I go home to an empty apartment where there is no one to share my day with. And sometimes, on really bad days, I just wish and ache for physical contact and have to deal with not getting it. That's why being single sucks.
However, I feel like if I am constantly dwelling on this aspect of my life I am not doing myself enough credit. Think of how much stronger you can become when you learn to rely solely upon yourself to feel happy. It took me awhile to get to this point, but I feel incredibly empowered that I can live on my own, that I am my own validation. I honestly feel like I don't need a relationship to feel content in my life. That doesn't mean that I don't want one like hell sometimes, because I do. But now, I feel like the next guy I choose to be with will have to be pretty amazing, because I won't settle for anything less. I know now that I won't put up with any guy who makes me feel shitty. If he does, I know I have the strength to tell him to take a hike. And the only way I have been able to get to this point is to have been alone for so long. So I hope I can bring some perspective to your situation. Accepting the fact that life is generally unfair and that guaruntees, destiny, fate, karma, etc, don't seem to exist in our favor at this point in our lives is something I struggle with all the time. But you have to keep telling yourself that no matter how you feel, you are a beautiful, desirable woman and that you deserve love. And when things work out for you in that respect is something you just can't predict. You can only wait and in the mean time live your life for yourself, and feel good about yourself. CHICKS RULE! And hey, if it doesn't work out you could always go to sperm bank with me if we're both 35 and still alone.
12:07 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Tuesday, January 17, 2006
bulletins vs.blogs Current mood: annoyed
This is just a general beef, but I wish people would start using blogs for all their journal-esque, this is how my day went, this is what I'm feeling stuff they want to post. I can't stand it when someone posts bulletin after bulletin about how their day's going, what they're doing, etc, becuase that's what the blogs are for dammit! Posting a bulletin like a blog is an act of aggression because now you're forcing all your friends to read about your daily life and all your bullshit, whereas in a blog it's their choice. I have even deleted some of my myspace friends because of their abuse of the bulletin. I welcome anyone on Myspace as friend, and I do enjoy reading about everyone's lives, even those I haven't met in real life, but please, for the love of god, respect the bulletin. That's all I'm saying.
6:17 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Monday, January 09, 2006
My cat is a transexual.... Current mood: amused
So I took my kitten to the vet on Saturday, and I'm like "yeah, it's a boy" and the vet said, "No, this a girl cat." So I felt pretty dumb. The thing is, I really like the name Han Solo for my kitten, so I think I'm going to keep the name and just have a transgender kitty. Is that wrong of me?