old blogs

Here are all my old (semi-interesting) blogs from Myspace. It's interesting to see how much has changed and yet how much has stayed the same over the years.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006
The East Coast...
For those of you not blessed with spending time on the East Coast, let me share the wonderful experience with you... I will submit my points concerning the East Coast in a list, as that is my preferred method of communication.
1. Humidity: a bastard. Unlike the Deep South, the humidity is not accompanied by stifling heat. It typically comes on with the rain. In the drier, sunnier, more beautiful climes, when it rains, it is refreshing. The smell is wonderful and filled with earthy, leafy scents. After it rains, everythings looks clean and sparkling. On the East Coast, when it rains, it is like the air has become a sponge. A month-old, moldy sponge. Far from being refreshing, it is damp, soppy, and soggy. The smell is not earth/leafy; it is more like mildew-y/swampy. And there is no refreshing, after-rain sparkle, only dingy, wet, soaking crud that reeks.
2. Customer Service: when it's convenient. You can walk into a store, say a Dunkin' Donuts (they are like the plague out here, you can't walk more than a block without one popping up) and there will be a number of workers behind the counter busily cleaning and wiping and preparing things and doing all those tasks required of them. Yet you, apparently, are not a priority. Bee-like tasks, first, customers, second. Oh, they'll get to you, but on their time. And then they'll act like they're going out of their way to help you. Hello! I'm the one that's keeping your company in business and you with a job, jack-ass. This has happened to me in two dunkin'donuts, a Stop and Shop (grocery store), and a department store.
3. Sports: The fact that on Saturday night, when the Broncos were playing the Titans, all so-called "sports" channels decided to play golf, race cars and the Little League World series. Everyone is obssessed with baseball, either the Red Sox, Yankees, or Mets. I am so upset that I won't be able to watch the majority of Broncos games and will instead have to end up rooting for some dumb team like the Giants or the Jets.
4. The Ocean: too cold to swim in. Enough said.
5. Traffic: can't really talk. Colorado still has the biggest asshole drivers. Sorry.
6. Trees: they're everywhere. They blanket the East Coast. And they're thick. You look into a wooded area and light barely streams through. They are no replacement for mountains and other such things of geographical interest. I'm just waiting for fall because there had better be a pretty great display of fall colors from all these goddammed trees.
Well, I think that's enough said. And I want to say to all of you lucky enough to live in the West-you aren't missing anything, trust me.

Monday, June 19, 2006
Karma battle continued
My shame continues. I went to this party at Colin's house on Friday because I wanted to meet these two girls who were moving to NYC. It was a pretty raging party and a lot of people were there, including hot guys. And at first everything was going fine for me. I was talking to a lot of people, some whom I knew from the past and some new people. I got felt up by a lesbian on my way down the back stairs and out into the back yard who said as she grabbed my tits "There should be a booby contest later on and you should enter!" It was the most action I'd seen in months. I also got hit on by another lesbian with one of those "faux-hawks" who actually pulled it off really well.
I even survived meeting the ex's new lady, who is nice and beautiful, not that I would expect any less from him. Not that I was jealous, but that situation is always a little strange.
But, alas, alcohol, my inherent lack of coordination, and tall shoes all conspired against me this evening. Added to the fact that nothing lately has worked in my favor (refer to first paragraph re: lesbians. Don't get me wrong, I pretty much dig lesbians right now, they've done more for my self-esteem than any man has lately, but they lack a very important appendage that I don't think I could do without in a relationship, and no, the so-called "replacements" just wouldn't measure up, I know they wouldn't).
Anyway, I was out in the backyard, which was very lumpy, by the way, and I had to pee. Instead of making my way through the crowd and to the door, I decided to skirt around everyone and take the shorter route. Unfortunately, this entailed walking along the back of the house, which was littered with debris. Also, this house is extremely old and had an old cellar entrance that has since been blocked off, but a couple of stairs and a bunch of other crap (it was dark so I don't know exactly what was down there) still sloped down into the cellar entrance. I went to step around someone, and ended up on the first crumbling cellar stair. My shoe caught on the very edge of the stair and I began to fall sideways, so I grabbed on the first thing I saw, which was, bizarrely, a loose gutter pipe. The gutterpipe, however, wasn't attached to anything, so I wasn't able to regain my balance and I ended up falling ass-first down the stairwell. I also ended up cutting a hole in some really nice jeans that made my ass look good, and somehow the gutter pipe cut my knee open, so I have wicked-looking inch-long cuts on my knee cap that are filled with denim transferred to the wound during the fall. And now my ass really hurts too.
This spectalce was seen be nearly everyone at this party. I had some brave guy pull me out of the cellar entrance, and I wish I knew who he was, because I will be forever grateful to him for saving me. I also lost a shoe in the process, and several people in my vicinity searched for it. It was eventually recovered. Then Colin's girlfriend, sweetly concerned for me, ran up to see how I was, which was nice. Of course, Colin had to say , "I think you've had plenty enough to drink." Which made me feel great, and left me to wonder if I have created a self-fulfilling prophecy here, with all my whining about how karma doesn't exist.
So I left the party in shame, hanging my head, knowing that everyone left there would be talking about the pathetic lush who fell down the entrance to the cellar. What pisses me off is that I wasn't even trashed enough for this to be true, but I knew that was what everyone will assume. Sigh. And I know people were laughing at me, secretly while it was happening,and out-loud in huge guffaws after I had left. I know this because the friends I have told this story to could not contain their glee, and they actually care about me. Oh well, if this had happened to someone else I would find it hilarious. But now I expect something great to happen to me after this experience to make up for it. Not that I believe in karma or that junk or anything.

Friday, April 07, 2006
This sucks!
So I was totally in love with Jonathan Brandis when I was a pre-teen and teenager. I watched him in Never Ending Story and LadyBugs AND Sidekicks even though all of those movies were pretty bad. Then when Seaquest DSV came on I religiously watched that show because he was in it. Well, come to find out he committed suicide two years ago. That just makes me really sad, to know my childhood obsession died in such a terrible way. Oh, and I have to say to John-you were right. Dammit, I hate saying that. Now his ego will get even bigger than it is.
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Tuesday, March 28, 2006
So....
My phone has not rang in 70 hours. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself or anything with this statement, but it does prove my theory that if I were to die in my apartment I would surely rot for at least three days in there, with my stench finally alerting my neighbors that something was wrong. They'd find me all bloated and my cats would probably have eaten little bits and pieces of me here and there. Well, if I died on a Friday this would happen. If I died during the work week I'd probably be found within 24 hrs because work would want to know what was up and they'd start alerting people.
Currently listening : Phantoms By Acceptance Release date: 26 April, 2005
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Friday, March 24, 2006
Why do I like to piss people off?
So I went out with nearly all of my coworkers for lunch today and somehow the topic of religion was brought up. We went around the table saying what religion we were and everyone else was like, "Catholic, Methodist, Baptist, Catholic..." So when it got to me I said "atheist", not because I am one, but just because I wanted to see if anyone would get mad or say something to me. And the thing is, I've done that before, on several occasions, when people have asked me what I beleived. And I've always said "atheist" just to be an ass and see how people reacted. I don't know why I'm like that, but I kind of feel like a hypocrite when I claim atheist and then find myself praying...Anway, that's it. I know this is not a high-quality story or anything, just a random though I wanted to share and see if anyone else finds themselves being contrary on purpose
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Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Bye Bye Colorado!!!! Category: Life
So, I haven't really told any of my friends this, but I have made the decision to move to New York City. I have a lot of reasons for doing so but the main ones are as follows:
1. I'm at the point now where I'm working to live rather than living to work. I majored in English in college because I love literature and writing is one of the only things I am halfway decent at. And I went to the Publishing Institute at the University of Denver because I have a passion for books and want to be involved in their creation. And obviously, my job now has nothing to do with any of these things. I stayed here after I graduated becauseI love Colorado and have moved around my whole life, plus I love being near my family. But I have come to realize it's not enough, because what it boils down to is me and what I want to be doing, and there is nothing in Colorado for me career-wise. NYC, on the other hand, is the mecca for publishing. I'm pretty sure I want to work for a big house rather than the regionally-oriented houses that are scattered across the country, and NYC is the place to be for the big houses.
2. I feel like I will never get a boyfriend if I stay here. That's probably not entirely true, but Denver is not a large city by any means. The majority of my friends are in serious relationships that are headed towards marriage, and their friends are all in serious relationships that are most likely headed towards marriage. I'd like to live in a place where there are a lot of single people my age; where being single is ok, is the norm. In Denver, it's not really "the norm" to be 25 and single. And I don't even know if I want to get married, ever. I feel like in New York I'll at least have better opportunities to date, and I won't feel so different just because I am single. Now a lot of this may just be my perception of my situation, but I really think I will have much better opportunities to meet guys out there than here in ol'Cowtown.
So those are pretty much my reasons. The hardest part will be leaving everyone here b/c you all are so great. But I'm tired of feeling unhappy and like a big-fat nothing. If I'm going to be doing my own thing, I might as well be doing it in the pursuit of something I love. I'm tired of just existing. And hey, if it doesn't work out for me out there you can guaruntee I will come crawling back to Colorado!
Currently reading : Quicksilver (The Baroque Cycle, Vol. 1) By Neal Stephenson Release date: 21 September, 2004
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Wednesday, May 31, 2006
New York continued. Don't read if you don't want a long, drawn-out story.
First of all, I am so grateful for all the support I am getting concerning the pending move. I really shouldn't be surprised, because I pride myself on having amazing people as friends. But, I still kind of think some view this move as an escape, and sometimes I think that is why I'm doing it, too. That I think all the things I don't like about my life will be magically fixed once I move there. That I will somehow find the perfect job, boyfriend, etc. (By the way, I know those last two sentences are fragments, and I don't care!)
But the more I think about it, the more I know the real reasons. And I know no matter what my reasons were everyone would still be behind me 100 percent. I still feel the need to share, however.
I have many regrets from my past about missed opportunites. There has been so much I have wanted to do that I have never done because of three factors: lack of self-confidence, laziness, and fear. In high school I always wanted to be in plays but never could get up the nerve to try out; I never tried out for solos in choir, never joined newspaper or yearbook or french club even though I thought they would be fun. I was too shy and too scared. I was on the track team my sophmore year but couldn't stick it out because it required a lot of work to get better, plus I couldn't stand the humilation of always losing. Instead of trying harder, I quit. I never felt I would be good enough to do most of these activities anyway. I didn't realize that individual success is more important than how you succeed in a group. I always compared myself to others, and never measured up to what I perceived they were. I didn't take any hard classes because I didn't want to do the work, and I felt uncomfortable around people who I thought were smarter than me.
I did well in college mainly because you can sit in a classroom and be anonymous and still get an A. I began to speak up more in class but still wasn't entirely ok with giving my opinion. A lot of the times I would feel really dumb after I talked. And I still continued to miss out on things I wanted to try or do because I was afraid or it required effort and/or putting myself out there. English honor society, the school lit mag, and getting an internship are all things I wanted to do but didn't.
Before I go on, I want to know that I am not asking for compliments here. I don't need anyone to tell me how great I am, smart I am, special I am, etc. And I have great parents and have been so fortunate in my life, so I'm not trying to throw a pity party here either. All these things were my perceptions and not reality. People who've struggled with not liking themselves, or "low self-esteem" or "bad self-image" know what I'm talking about. Rationally, on a certain level, you know you should like yourself and be confident in who you are, and you can have people tell you these things, but it still doesn't matter. It couldn't and didn't change the way I felt about myself.
I've had much time to think about the past and try to come to some kind of peace with how it was, and how I was. Of course, it's always easier to look back and see the real reasons for what was going on. So, to take a inordinate amount of time trying to get to a point, the heart of my move is to change this pattern that I've been living in my whole life. I want to get out of my comfort zone. I want to actually have to work to achieve a goal. I want to be able to know that even though I was afraid I accomplished something that I wanted. While I haven't exactly been happy the past three years I have had to learn how to love myself. I don't think it would have ever happened if I hadn't lived alone for so long and if I hadn't been single for so long. And if I didn't have my friends who have ALWAYS been there for me. Maybe I needed to go through this to find out what confidence and believing in yourself really means, but I know now when I walk into a room full of strangers I am not afraid. And as far as my work is concerned, I feel confident that I can go into a work place and give my opinion without fear. I do not care whatever everyone thinks of me; I only care about the opinions of the people whom I respect, admire, and love. I feel capable at suceeding in what I pursue, in enjoying activites, in not competing with or comparing myself to others. New York is the final goodbye to the person who does not like herself, who does not feel she is good enough. In New York I will have to be. And even if I end up not liking it, and do come back to Colorado, I will know that I tried. That, at least once in my life, I was able to leap into the dark pool of the unknown and not drown.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Why do only criminals hit on me? Current mood: bored
It's true. And the hot lesbian I work with, but that doesn't really count. I mean, if I were a lesbian, it would be great. But I'm not.
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Thursday, December 29, 2005
Goodbye 2005! Current mood: contemplative
So this has been quite the year. For everybody else, that is. I've been pretty stagnant this past year. Well, I don't know if I could go as far as saying "stagnant", because I honestly believe I went through my quarter life crisis this year. (And I didn't make that term up, I have read about this phenomenon). I think what's really brought me down this year is sex. It's not that I didn't have it, I just did it for the wrong reasons and with the wrong people. So one of my new year's resolutions is to go without having sex for as long as I can. This could be difficult or ridiculously easy depending on how 2006 goes.
My love life totally sucked this year, but on the other, I had such a good time with all my friends that I wasn't too lonely too often. And I've probably made my best drunken memories ever this year. This includes the time when I climbed a fence in downtown denver, ripping my jeans from ass to knees on both legs, and still walking to Denver Diner that way. I also kissed a girl on Halloween, and got lost in a movie theater, causing Matt to go searching for me and missing "Walk the Line." Unfortunatley, smacking my face with a pool cue in Table Steaks wasn't a result of alcohol, merely and example of my horrific hand/eye coordination. Thanks, parents, for giving me absolutely none of your athletic ability, grace, or mobility. Thanks alot. This is probably the first year I've been this bitter about being genetically screwed in several different ways, not just the usual ones you can think of.
Anyway, I like to take the time to thank a few people/groups for keeping me angry or amused this year.
First, thank you to roughly 30 percent of Denver drivers. You have made me realize that I am addicted to rage and can feed this addiction daily by driving on the lovely streets of Denver. Die motherfuckers, die!
Thank you, girls of Lodo. Your commitment to maintaing an attractive image at all times by refusing to wear coats in the bitter winter weather makes me realize that being checked out by random guys on the streets is just not worth it. But I admire your dedication.
Thank you, Denver Broncos, for giving me something to waste my time with on Sunday afternoons. I have an entirely irrantional/emotional relationship with you that has taken the place of my normally irrational/emotional relationship w/men. This might be a good thing.
Well, that's about it. I wish everyone the best of luck for 06. Now I will go pick up another kitten, probably aiding me in my celibacy for the oncoming year. Ciao.
Currently listening : A Rush of Blood to the Head By Coldplay Release date: 27 August, 2002
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Thursday, December 08, 2005
For those of us who are habitually single... Current mood: contemplative
So right now I'm kind of in a slump and was wondering if any of you other single people can relate. For instance, I can't even remember what it feels like to be attracted to someone. I haven't had sex in so long that I forget what that feels like, too. Sometimes I don't even think about it, period. For days. I can picture it in my head, but none of these images evoke any kind of sensation. And in all my fantasies, the guy's face is blurry. I can't even vizualize a person I'd like to date. The weird thing is, I'm not craving any kind of physical contact with anyone. It's as if that part of my life has become a concept more than a reality. I know that relationships are out there, that they exist, but they have nothing to do directly with me. I feel alienated from that whole aspect of life. More than ever in my life, I feel contained, centered completely around myself. It's very strange.
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Monday, December 05, 2005
drunk picture of me Current mood: bitchy
I love how that one picture I took back when I was twenty years old continues to pop up wherever I go. Like, how the hell did Casey get it in color. All I can say is, when and if I get a digital camera, watch out!
Currently reading : The Complete Sherlock Holmes By Arthur Conan Doyle Release date: 03 September, 2002
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Friday, December 02, 2005
computers Current mood: discontent
Riddle me this: How are computers supposed to take over the world when everytime I try and "refresh" my piece of shit email at work my computer freezes? Die network, die!
Currently reading : The Historian By Elizabeth Kostova Release date: 14 June, 2005
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Wednesday, November 30, 2005
why life is stupid Current mood: pessimistic
So I just titled that to get your attention. Ha! I actually don't believe that, not really. No one will read this anyway. Let's just say the job I do can seriously test faith in the intelligence of life, the human race, and its designer, if you believe in that sort of thing. And karma? Please. Try reverse karma. But that's enough for now. Just to let you know, I guarantee every one who has ever known me, been friends with me, been enemies with me, even, is better off than I am now. So all you people that hated me? Relish this. Because I must have seriously fucked up somewhere to be this much of a failure



Thursday, February 09, 2006
If I had a band on myspace...
This isn't really aimed at any bands that I personally know who are my friends on Myspace. You guys rock and only post a bulletin to announce a show. Your profiles are simple and to the point. This is for almost every other band that tries daily to be my friend. Before I start, let me say one thing "Stop your shameless self-promotion".
If I had a band on myspace, I would first post at least one bulletin a day trying to get people to check out my profile. I would tell (not ask, mind you, but tell) people to check out my new songs, my new pictures, my new profile etc,etc. After I had ordered you to check this out, I would post yet another bulletin reordering you to check these out and also add that you needed put a comment on these things. I would then post yet another bulletin to ensure you had read the first two and asking why you had not done the things I have ordered you to do.
My profile bio would read something like this:
One of the most talented artists to emerge in years, Amanda's Myspace band has a gripping sound that will rip emotions from your soul you never knew you had. Hailed as "the best band pretty much ever, with the most incredible musicianship in the world" by the Podunk Town no one's ever heard of Press, you must hear this band to believe the earth shattering sounds they are able to produce. Their songs possess a unique originality that captures both the irony and joy of life with lyrics that are dark, inspiring, humorous, philosophical, heart-capturing, genius, and provoke images and ideas that are so great they are beyond compare. The lead singer has been described as "the second coming of Christ" with a voice previously only heard in the angelic choirs, if you know what I mean. The guitarist's soaring riffs and aggressive style of play inspires awe in even the most prodigious of musicians. The bassist and drummer are also pretty un-fucking-beleivable as well, possessing a rhythmic sense and style all their own.
If you don't listen to Amanda's Myspace band, your life will be a meaningless pit of black existence and you will forever be caught in the musical miasma of every other band out there. Only by listening to us, coming to every one of our shows, and buying all our cd's and other merchandise will save you from almost certain doom and a colorless life devoid of all art and profundity.
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Friday, January 20, 2006
My perspective on being single Current mood: sympathetic Category: Romance and Relationships
This originated as a reply to a friend, but it gives a good perspective on how I feel about the whole single/living alone thing. I thought some of my other friends might appreciate it. I have edited a little so it makes sense in a more general way.
Response to friend who is tired of being heartbroken and alone:
Having been in your situation before, I wish I had more comfort to give you but I really don't. It seems really unfair that nice girls like us and even awesome guys that we are friends with remain single and alone while the majority of people our age seem to be involved in relationships. And I have definitely questioned myself time and time again why I wasn't deserving of some guy's love that I really wanted. I've gone through every stage of feeling shitty about myself and still question my own attractiveness, because a lot of the times I don't feel like I am desirable or lovable at all.When you don't have someone from the opposite sex around who you find attractive reinforcing your sexuality it's easy to feel bad about yourself.
It's difficult not to compare yourself and your life situations to others. I just doesn't seem fair that you have had to go through so much and still not find someone who cares about you the way you deserve. And it seems unfair to me that every night I go home to an empty apartment where there is no one to share my day with. And sometimes, on really bad days, I just wish and ache for physical contact and have to deal with not getting it. That's why being single sucks.
However, I feel like if I am constantly dwelling on this aspect of my life I am not doing myself enough credit. Think of how much stronger you can become when you learn to rely solely upon yourself to feel happy. It took me awhile to get to this point, but I feel incredibly empowered that I can live on my own, that I am my own validation. I honestly feel like I don't need a relationship to feel content in my life. That doesn't mean that I don't want one like hell sometimes, because I do. But now, I feel like the next guy I choose to be with will have to be pretty amazing, because I won't settle for anything less. I know now that I won't put up with any guy who makes me feel shitty. If he does, I know I have the strength to tell him to take a hike. And the only way I have been able to get to this point is to have been alone for so long. So I hope I can bring some perspective to your situation. Accepting the fact that life is generally unfair and that guaruntees, destiny, fate, karma, etc, don't seem to exist in our favor at this point in our lives is something I struggle with all the time. But you have to keep telling yourself that no matter how you feel, you are a beautiful, desirable woman and that you deserve love. And when things work out for you in that respect is something you just can't predict. You can only wait and in the mean time live your life for yourself, and feel good about yourself. CHICKS RULE! And hey, if it doesn't work out you could always go to sperm bank with me if we're both 35 and still alone.
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Tuesday, January 17, 2006
bulletins vs.blogs Current mood: annoyed
This is just a general beef, but I wish people would start using blogs for all their journal-esque, this is how my day went, this is what I'm feeling stuff they want to post. I can't stand it when someone posts bulletin after bulletin about how their day's going, what they're doing, etc, becuase that's what the blogs are for dammit! Posting a bulletin like a blog is an act of aggression because now you're forcing all your friends to read about your daily life and all your bullshit, whereas in a blog it's their choice. I have even deleted some of my myspace friends because of their abuse of the bulletin. I welcome anyone on Myspace as friend, and I do enjoy reading about everyone's lives, even those I haven't met in real life, but please, for the love of god, respect the bulletin. That's all I'm saying.
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Monday, January 09, 2006
My cat is a transexual.... Current mood: amused
So I took my kitten to the vet on Saturday, and I'm like "yeah, it's a boy" and the vet said, "No, this a girl cat." So I felt pretty dumb. The thing is, I really like the name Han Solo for my kitten, so I think I'm going to keep the name and just have a transgender kitty. Is that wrong of me?

Heroes

So I've kind of been following the show this year (mostly reading with it playing in the background). It's been disappointing this year, in the fact there are way too many story lines, the plots don't make sense, and there are too many characters. But, I will give them credit, the last episode of this year was pretty good, in that stuff actually happened! Annoying/superfluous characters were finally killed off! It set-up the next episodes to be intriguing. And, no hot people died! (Peter, Suresh) I might actually watch it next year-

On a totally different note, I'm rereading all of Jacqueline Carey's Kushiel series. Hands down, some of the best fantasy writing of the past decade.

On another totally different note, I just saw a commercial for a new show on VHI called "Tool Academy". I pretty much hate VHI and everything its become, but that show might be funny for an episode or two... "tool" is one of my favorite words, and ridiculing silly, stupid males is one of the things that enriches my life.

random bs observations

Ok so I am in a pissy mood (what's new) and feel the need to mock others in order to make me feel better about myself.

1. So Saturday night we are taking the subway and these two girls get on. They are about in their early to mid twenties and obviously dressed for a night of getting trashed at bars. Girl #1 looks like this: Black, knee-high, scrunchy fake leather boots with a one-inch heel, black tights, jewel-green shirt (couldn't tell the style), black peacoat, gold hoop earrings, blond hair pulled back in a half-ponytail, small Coach purse: black-on-dark-grey, decorated with trademark Coach "C's."

Girl #2 looks like this: Black, knee high, scrunchy fake leather black boots, black leggings, jewel-purple shirt, black peacoat, gold hoop earrings, blondish hair (highlights growing out) pulled back in a half-ponytail, small Coach purse: beige-on-dark-brown, decorated with trademark Coach "Cs."

WTF????

These girls aren't twins. They don't look alike, beside both having blond hair (well, one was really light brown with grown-out highlights). The only difference in their attire was that they were wearing different colored shirts, had different textured bottoms on, and had slightly different styles of Coach purses.

Is there something wrong with me that, as a New York resident for the past two years, and a near-daily subway commuter, I consider this display to be one of the most horrific and disturbing.

And just so I'm not being discriminorty to partying Paris Hilton clones, I was recently in Williamsburg, Brooklyn (the hipster capital of the world), and was sneering at all the skinny-jeans-tucked- into- high -boots -or- with- Chucks, funky -scarf -and -hat- wearing, I'm-paying-2000 a month-for-a-studio, going-to-see-some-band-you've-never-heard-of...people. whew. Didn't end that one too well. But you get the point. I'm also a giant hyprocrite, because I own a pair of Chucks. But I wasn't wearing them at the time, and I hate skinny jeans (can we say camel-toe, or moose knuckle), and wearing boots over pants makes my legs look short. Besides all that, I am still not cool enough to live in Williamsburg. Nor am I popular enough to be going out to a bunch of bars in NYC on a Saturday night. Thus I must make myself feel better by mocking others, if that hasn't been blatanly obvious. But I dither-

On Mondays I take the bus up to Rockland County, and on the way back the traffic gets really shitty going into the Lincoln tunnel. Lucky for me, I get to ride on the bus with the reckless, crazy driver who doesn't give a shit. It's so fucking awesome. Every Monday night, my appreciation for him goes up more and more. The fact that he gets me home in roughly an hour in rush hour traffic is a true feat. I don't care that he cuts off everyone, bulldozes past small vehichles, careens through Manhattan, racing up West 34th St. honking and cutting off taxis. He gets me in Port Authority and off the goddamn bus in half the time I would be with any other driver. I think I might even have to give him the title of "best bus driver ever."

Two more things and then I'll stop

On the N train coming home, this lady got on who was having trouble walking and was using a cane. There were two youngish men sitting down near to where she was standing and neither of them got up to give her his seat. A young Asian girl ended up giving up her seat for this poor lady. I just have to say, to those two men: You are despicable.

This will probably just prove how psycho I really am. I was sitting in this little Chinese food place waiting for my order, and this teenage guy got up to use the bathroom. On his way back to his table, he kinda strutted back and looked pointedly at me for a few seconds a couple of times. And all I could think of at the time was, "Don't say anything, little boy. I will destroy you. I will fucking destroy you."

Ok I'm good now

Twilight

It seemed to be the perfect formula for me to love: Gorgeous vampires, romance, plenty of fighting baddies and saving people. But, sadly, I have to admit, I'm not a fan.

Saying that, I will probably go see the movie. Or at least rent it. I might like the movie if I take it at the face value of being a typical Hollywood production. I might even enjoy the movie.

But as for the books, I just don't like them. Now I only read the first two, but I read something on the internet about what happens in the second two and knew I wouldn't be able to read them.

I respect what the book is trying to accomplish with the themes of forbidden love, and obsession, and the whole feeling of "your first love." But the author seems to want the story to be the "girl meets boy-falls in love-gets married-has baby" that none of the more interesting themes are ever explored. Maybe it's my own prejudices about female characters, but in the first two novels I was waiting for Bella to actually DO something on her own. But, alas, no she just relies on the boys around her (Edward, Jacob) to do everything for her.

Bella and Edward are supposed to have this passionate love, yet she never reallys get angry at him (even when he's acting like a total idiot, even when he leaves her. Any other girl, if the guy she was in love with, if he just took off, she'd be pretty pissed)

I think the reason vampire lit and vampire romance entices a lot of people is because oftentimes it explores the darker side of love and desire. It is dangerous but enticing. And the whole idea of blood, and consuming someone's blood, and having them consume yours, is more intimate than sex.
Granted, the books are written for a younger audience, and who knows, 10 or 15 years ago I might have swallowed them up. But, at least point, after reading the first two, my final impression after reading the books was "yeah. so?"

such a yatch

So the Daily News recently ran a report on a 17-year-old male model (who also happens to be the face of Hugo Boss) who slept with a 34-year old teacher from his high school. This kid is almost angelic in his beauty, and the teacher....well, as John put it, is pretty much a "yatch." (I think I have a new favorite word) There are plenty of hot 34 year olds, this lady isn't one of them. That left us wondering what in the world this guy saw in her. He obviously doesn't need money. My next theory was that she was his drug dealer..

But seeing as how he likely wouldn't need to actually have sex with this lady to get drugs from her, we came to the only logical conclusion....

Holy vag. She must have the vagina of a god (er, goddess, I suppose). What power must be present underneath this woman's underwear that a man who probably could score with any number of females embark on an affair with her? Holy bits. A vagina to rise above all others. A vagina so incredible, so compelling, so powerful it can only be named one thing: Jesus vag.

Other thoughts on men...

Contrary to what most single women like to say, I DO need a man. I need him for the following 4 reasons:

1. Sex (duh)
2. Kill bugs for me (hate 'em, but can't kill 'em)
3. Drive me around (especially in bad weather and/or in rush hour traffic)
4. Eventually, at some point, sperm

people who make extreme religious/political comments on online articles

May your flesh melt slowly in the deepest, darkest pits of the hottest inferno hell has to offer

A kind of list an English major would love

These are the 106 books most often marked as "unread" by LibraryThing's users.Bold the ones you've read, , italicize the ones you started but didn't finish. Add (*) beside the ones you liked and would (or did) read again or recommend. Parentheses around ones you would like to read or saw the movie. I've read a lot of these books, which suprises that they are considered most "unread". And thanks to Masterpiece Theater, I have seen the movie version of a lot of these books without reading them!

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell (if you can get past the first 200 pages or so it's excellent)
Anna Karenina
Crime and Punishment
Catch-22
One Hundred Years of Solitude
Wuthering Heights
The Silmarillion
Life of Pi : a novel
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote
Moby Dick (really want to finish this one day)
Ulysses
Madame Bovary
The Odyssey
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre
A Tale of Two Cities (saw the movie in school)
The Brothers Karamazov
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the fates of human societies (I tried to read this several years ago)
War and Peace
Vanity Fair (saw the movie with Reese Witherspoon. It was ok)
The Time Traveler's Wife
The Iliad
Emma (I've pretty much seen every movie based on a Jane Austen book made in the past 10 years...it's kinda sad)
The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner
Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations (saw the PBS version and the one with Gywneth and Ethan)
American Gods -(want to read but didn't like Gaiman's Stardust all that much. So back and forth on this one)
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Atlas Shrugged (NO. NO NO! Is supposed to be one of the greatest books of our age and probably is so. I just detest her "followers" who use this book as justification for environmental degredation)
Reading Lolita in Tehran : a memoir in books
Memoirs of a Geisha
Middlesex (I started this in high school, and really think I would like it now if I picked it up)
Quicksilver (What's with all the Neal Stephenson on this list? I think it might be a little biased against him...)
Wicked : the life and times of the Wicked Witch of the West (another I started a few times, but last year I actually finished it. I like his books but don't love them)
The Canterbury Tales
The Historian : a novel (Love it. The whole "story within a story" set-up is great)
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera (don't really want to)
Brave New World
The Fountainhead
Foucault's Pendulum
Middlemarch
Frankenstein
The Count of Monte Cristo (I really liked this book but it got thrown on my bookshelf when I got other books and somehow I never got back to it. Seen the cartoon movie version and the one with Billy Crudup. Love both of them!)
Dracula
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King (always mean to read but never do)
The Grapes of Wrath
The Poisonwood Bible : a novel
1984
Angels & Demons
The Inferno (parts for English class)
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mansfield Park
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (I really need to finish this; I got about halfway through. It's another on my shelf that got put aside for other books and I regret not finishing it. This may be a controversial statement, but I found this book to be highly misogynistic. My opinion might change once I finish it-)
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D'Urbervilles (I started reading this book but it is SO depressing. But I love Victorian writers, so I might pick it up again)
Oliver Twist (really, really need to read Dickens.)
Gulliver's Travels
Les Miserables (I'm fine with only having seen the musical)
The Corrections (Don't like the whole Oprah book-club dissing thing, but I read a memoir by Franzen and did like it-)
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
Dune (one of the finest science fiction novels ever written. I never saw the 80's movie version of it; that movie seems to be either loved or reviled. I caught the Sci-Fi Channel's version of "Children of Dune" and it was ok. Apparently they also did "Dune" but I refuse to watch it. This is one of those books where I don't want to see the movie because I love my vision of what this book is so much)
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela's Ashes : a memoir (I heard its so depressing....)
The God of Small Things
A People's History of the United States : 1492-present
Cryptonomicon
Neverwhere
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short history of Nearly Everything
Dubliners
The Unbearable Lightness of Being (I saw the movie just because I am such a fan of Daniel Day Lewis. The movie was pretty good, so I might check out the book at some point)
Beloved (changes the way you think about literature. I read this in high school and need to read it again)
Slaughterhouse-five (No, but I read Breakfast of Champions and Cat's Cradle)
The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots & Leaves
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake : a novel
Collapse : how societies choose to fail or succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion (again with the Stephenson. I love his books, although I do admit they take a considerable commitment to read-)
Lolita (want to read and want to see the movie)
Persuasion
Northanger Abbey
The Catcher in the Rye
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics : a rogue economist explores the hidden side of everything!!
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance : an inquiry into values (what I read was really interesting, but then I let someone borrow it and didn't get it back-)
The Aeneid
Watership Down (want to, no, need to read!)
Gravity's Rainbow
The Hobbit
In Cold Blood
White Teeth
Treasure Island(the PBS movie is great)
David Copperfield
The Three Musketeers (I loved the 90's version with Keifer Sutherland and Alan Rickman as a preteen, then I had the misfortune of seeing it as an adult about 6 months ago on TV. It's pretty bad....)

online dating

I'm so done with it. First of all, you get sent so many potential matches it becomes overwhelming to wade through them all and contact those who look interesting. Then you have the process of getting to know someone (which you don't really, at least I don't feel like I do), wait for them to respond, answer, wait again, by the time this has happened it been weeks and you forget what this person is even about, and most of the ones who look even semi-dateable to you don't respond, delete you, lose interest, whatever. And every day there are more and more that they all become a blur and everyone starts to seem the same.... Maybe I'm being too stubborn about this part of my life, but I always thought that I would meet someone through circumstances in my life, like work or interests or friends and family. We meet, share mutual interest, date, and if it works out, great, if it doesn't, then we move on. I did not think it would be THIS COMPLICATED to find a boyfriend in my twenties. I did not think I would be one of hundreds of potential females to be siphoned through and judged. I did not think meeting someone entailed being put in a prioritized list of "interested" after which based on an absurd amount of pre-determined steps I might, someday, at some point, meet this person face to face. I did not imagine myself looking at hundreds of different profiles and then having to decide which ones looked good, trying to figure who are my top, who is next if those don't pan out, all the while knowing that these guys are thinking the same thing about me.
Maybe I'm being immature or living in la la land, but I thought I would meet someone naturally, the old-fashioned way. Online dating feels so forced and contrived to me. I want the meeting of the love of my life to be happenstance. I want to feel special and not like a cow put up to auction. And I don't want to have to see men that way either.
I'm a huge reader, and perhaps I let fiction ruin my reality. Perhaps the belief that the right man will just pop up in my life one day is a delusion. I never thought I would have to go out seeking love. Am I arrogant in believing that love should come to me?
I have been told that it's my own fault that I'm single, that my attitude towards love will result in my remaining single. I tried online dating to force myself into a different perspective, but I still find myself holding onto my original ideals. My lack of success so far in the online dating scene seems to affirm this. That, or I have a really bad profile.

My evening conversation on the E train

Me (riding into Manhattan on E train, reading Daniel Gilman's Stumbling on Happiness) to self: Wow, this book is fairly interesting; I wonder what my boss is going to want me to do in the next few weeks; that guy that just sat next to me is a little odd...

Guy: What is that you're reading?

Me (tilting book towards him so he can read title): It's pretty good. It's about how the human brain forms experiences and memories.

Guy: Oh, that sounds good. I'm writing a book myself and that sounds similar to what I'm writing about.

Me: Hmmm

Guy: Yeah, its all about emotional and how people don't deal with their emotions. About how they hold everything inside and then how they carry it with them.

Me: Wow.

Guy: I noticed that after I had some pretty bad things happen to me [goes on about some theory about how emotions work. I was spacing] ...I joined a Sioux tribe and worked with them for 3 years. I was alone in the woods without food or water for four days. During that time I was able to really work through some things. You know, they have had to rely on spiritual healing for hundreds of years... they haven't had the benefit of modern medicine, which doesn't work anyway...[blathers on about various topics, my attention drifts away, but then is brought back by this statement] So anyway, I found my first few days in New York were entertaining, but I kept getting mugged, and then I almost got arrested for chasing after a mugger with pepper spray. The police out here are useless. If some ghettotrash wants to mess with me I'll freakin paralyze him. I studied chow jin (?) koi jung (?). Have you heard of it?

Me: No.

Guy: Well, it's based on prhana yahma. I studied for years with these [ monks? yogi masters? jedis? I forget, at this point it would be the most sensical thing this jackass has been saying, I space again, but somehow get brought back by this question] So are you from New York?

Me: No, I'm from Colorado.

Guy: Oh really, that's funny. I went to Ft. Lewis.

Me: That's cool. All the skiers go there.

Guy: Yeah, but I was too poor too ski

Me :(make fake sympathy noise)

Guy: When I went to Ft. Lewis, I lived in the back of a bus. I froze my ass off in the winter. I had no one to help me through school [at this point I have the urge to mention things like student loans and dormitories but prefer to keep silent and nod every few seconds] My mom had everything handed to her, she got two Bachelor's degrees in Business and Accounting, had all her bills paid, but she wouldn't give me anything. [rambles on about something to do with his girlfriend at the time and how his mom wouldn't give him a car and something was funny in all this because he laughed and I did a little return chuckle, and then he continued on about his mother donating all her money to TV Evangelists] My stop is next but let me give you my card
[roots around in his fanny pack.Yes, he had a fanny pack] Here ya go.

Me (glance at card. Ben Ooza-something. Last name most certainly made up. Under his name it says "Native American Healer". Place in book to use a temporary book mark. Will discard later)

Guy: Take care.

Me: You too.

Favorite men in literature

I'm so glad I discovered the sci-fi and fantasy section of the bookstore, because once I started with Stephen Donaldson's Mirror of Her Dreams, I was hooked. I'll pretty much read anything in the fantasy section that's got an interesting cover or is about vampires. As far as books go, I definitely judge a book by its cover, expect for those occasions where a book has been recommended to me by someone, or I have heard about it somewhere else. And I'll read ANYTHING that features vampires. Vampire-lit has grown into a pretty big genre and a lot of it isn't the greatest writing you'll ever read, but I don't care, I still love it. Romances involving vampires/paranormal activities are especially popular, reinforcing the allure of the dangerous man/bad boy with a deep emotional maturity and longing for commitment (ahhh, fiction). The vampire/werewolf/mystical man has replaced the dashing duke/rogue in the romance genre as the it man. (I recognize that my overuse of slashes is probably annoying)

I remain tempted by both. I have always loved a really trashy period-romance, as long as the dialogue is fairly believable and not too cliche-riddled. The wickeder the man, the better. The more of a rake, the better. The fact that he changes his philandering ways just for one special woman is a powerful fantasy. I don't know why, but there is just something so hot about a man in breeches and those boots that fold down at the knees, riding around on a horse and getting into duels. I always picture these men as having collar-length hair that is perfectly wavy and unkempt. I don't particularly like really long hair on men but I wish more guys would grow their hair out a little. This probably explains my love of British period dramas (as mostly seen on PBS), which showcase the most beautiful male actors Britain has to offer. The only thing that bothers me about these is that the majority are based on Victorian novels, so you never get any really good romantic scences, everything is just hinted at.

The vampire/paranormal allure is the fact that he is an outsider in society, and through love this woman is going to bring in him, save him from himself and his loneliness.
Laurell K. Hamilton is one of the top writers in the the vampire/paranormal fantasy genre. Her Anita Blake novels are numerous and highly addictive. This series plays into a huge variety of female fantasies (and apparently male, too, because I have met male fans of her). She sets up the two main male characters to be a dichotomy of the ultimate male. First, we have Jean-Claude, vampire, master of the city, and businessman, bad boy. Then we have Richard, werewolf, junior high science teacher, outdoorsman, all-american male. Of course, both of these men are breathtakingly beautiful. Who should Anita choose? The dangerous, powerful man or the moral, stable man? The author doesn't make Anita choose, not really, and she gets to have relationships with both. Actually, she not only gets to have relationships with these two, but with a host of other men: all beautiful, all possessed of a number of desirable qualities. What makes this idea so evocative is not many women have had the experience of a number of males jockeying for her attention, and most women have not explored the idea of having multiple partners at the same time, all equally enticing. Not only that, but the majority of men are completely ok with sharing her, and they are monogamous to her, for the most part. The main trouble I've come across in this series is that Anita is sometimes too much the alpha female. She never really lets the men be the total badasses that they're made out to be. Anita is always the one who has to save the day. I'd like to see the men step it up a little and kick some ass instead of hanging out on the sidelines while she saves the day. Don't get me wrong, I like how strong Anita is, but I don't think it threatening or in any way diminishing to have the guys get to save her every once in awhile. Her last book in the series, Blood Noir, was a bit ridiculous and disappointing. But the first 8 or so books in the series are definitely worth checking out.

There are a lot of other writers who have created great male leads that I could go on about at length but I will list a few more here for fun:

Jamie Fraser and Lord John Grey (Diana Gabaldon)
Acheron (Sherrilyn Kenyon)
Joscelin Verreuil (Jacqueline Carey)
Harry Dresden (Jim Butcher)
Jack Shaftoe(Neal Stephenson)
Mr. Darcy (duh)
Horatio Hornblower (but I haven't read the books, just seen the films, but wow.)

Blogging

So I've been browsing some other people's blogs and I've discovered that all of them (including mine) are pretty similar. It seems as if a bunch of people need to write about all of life's little inanities. It's like the written version of coffee shop conversations. This led me to the conclusion that blogging is the the ultimate form of post-modernism. Dear God. Help us all.

The young, the single, the bitter

It's not a very good title, I realize this. It's not a very original title. How many other young single women have branded themselves this at some point? The title also suggests that the bitterness is a direct result of the singleness. Which would be true, to a point. But you have understand that I have always been a little bitter, and liked it that way. If I could whine and complain about my life then I didn't have to take any responsibility for my failings. Plus, like many other people, I like to have that aura of outsider-cynicism. Not that I ever tried to be shockingly so. As a late nineties teen, the goth movement type of "outsiderism",(which I'll call it, knowing I'm making up my own word here,) never appealed to me, seeming to be just as trendy as whatever the cool kids were doing.

At the very root of it, being bitter is about being entitled. You feel a certain entitlement to have certain things in your life, and when you don't get these things, you become bitter. What I'm really doing with this title is insulting myself; and as self-deprecation is one the subtlest forms of narcissism, what this title is really about is me being a self-absorbed, silly girl who wants to whine about not getting her way, and, thinks she's funny enough or interesting enough to want a record of it.

The thing about living in New York

Place has always been important to me, and I tend to think of myself as someone who appreciates all the little nuances a place has to offer. I love the little things about a place-the small family-owned shops (how do they stay in business?), the mix of old buildings and new, the vegetation, the layout of an area. I think I'm fairly open-minded about place, I have been to small towns and large cities and have found things to love about both.

Living in the New York City Metro area has been interesting because there is so much here.
So much to love; so much to hate.

As I am a negative "glass half empty" type of person, I will begin this list with my hates:

1. Lack of personal space. It can be so crowded here in so many places-on the streets, in stores and restaurants, airports, and especially on public transportation. The result of this is that you're constantly getting your personal space (or bubble, as I like to call it) invaded. I don't know about anyone else, but when I feel crowded and uncomfortable in public my sense of empathy and basic human decency goes out the window and I want to start throwing punches. Semi-attractive redhead who won't move THE HELL out of the bus's back doorway so I can get off? Even after I've said excuse me? Twice? Bam! Elbow in the face. Man who is walking so close behind me that I can practically hear him breathing in my ear? Hiyah! Swift, sharp kick to shin. Who's in a hurry now, asshole? Woman who insists on sharing my pole on the train even though there are plenty of other free hand-holds in this area? Chaw! Punch in the gut. People wonder why New Yorkers are cranky? Maybe its because we have are in each other's faces all day. If you have to deal with this day in and day out, you would start hating people too.

2. Everyone is an asshole. Its all about me, me, me. A lot of people out here walk around so busy and self-important. A lot (not all) treat most strangers like shit. I know, I know, I just said that there is a good explanation for this, but come on, you can hate people but that doesn't mean you have to start acting on it. Geez.

3. Traffic/driving. Everyone makes up their own rules, especially taxis and Lincoln Towncars. Yuck.

4. If you're making $48,000 a year, you're just scraping by.

5. So you want to live in a decent place in a decent neighborhood? And you're not rich? Haha. You're funny.

4. No open space. Hardly any greenery. Aside from Central Park and a few other (granted, nice) parks scattered around, this is a concrete-covered world.


Okay, okay. Now I will make a list of awesome things about living here, because I may be bitter, but I'm not all about the hating. And, honestly, I can't bitch too much. I did choose to live here, after all.

Good things about the New York City Metro Area:

1. Beautiful buildings, amazing architecture, brick everywhere, nothing looks the same. Many of the buildings are old and wonderful.

2. It's not just the shopping. It's the little Buddhist gift shop down the street. It's the store that sells nothing but buttons. It's the bookstores, the boutiques, the art stores, the dollar shops, the Brazilian clothing store. Whatever you want, whatever you're into, you can find it here.

3. New York City may be the center of the fashion world, but you can wear whatever you want, and I mean WHATEVER you want, and still blend in. And, if not blend in, you would at least not shock people.

4. The restaurants are not chains, there are lots of them of all types of cuisines, and the majority are really good.

5. Delis down the block.

6. Straws are included with cans of soda.

7. I can go to the bank, coffee shop, doctor's, salon, laundromat, library, shopping, out to lunch/dinner, without ever having to get behind the wheel of a car. Most everything you need is within walking distance. I love it.

8. Obviously, the culture. Music, theater, museums. Besides the well-known ones, there are musuems dedicated to the history of sex, TV, film, etc.

My domestic situation

Typical conversation with my roommate John when he gets home from work:

John (walking in the door): Slacker!

Me (sitting on couch in front of TV): Whatever...you suck

J (walking into my room): What is this gay shit you're watching? Probably porno-

Me: Shut up! You're gay-

J: You're a gay

M: No, you're a gay

J (walking into his room): A complete waste of Netflix!

M: Kiss my ass!

J: You better watch it, woman, or it'll be the stairs for you

M (turning to my cat): Lando, attack!

L (sitting on bed, eyes slightly squinting in that "you deign to address me mortal" look that all cats have mastered): ...

M: Lando! Bite! Slash! Claw!

L: Mrow

The apartment is quiet for a moment.

J (from his bedroom): Hey Amanda-

M: What?

J: Shut up!

M: Suck it.

J(Throws books, pencils and ever-present 25-cent notebook journal into a backpack, throws on dark green Carhart jacket and shoves dark-blue, faded, Colorado Avalanche hat on head): I can't take it anymore. I'm leaving.

M: Good. Leave. I don't want you here anyway

J: Slacker! (closes and locks door)

M: FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!

Apartment is quiet again.

This amuses me

I started this thing because I am perhaps the only person in the universe amused by my thoughts. I find myself funny; I doubt anyone else does. This site is purely a self-absorbed means to record my meditations. If you happen to come across this posting, my apologies.